May, 2010, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

1.)) A friend sent me an important email-------she said to me that even if the recovering alcoholic in A.A. doesn't make actual amends, if he acts decently after he gets sober, all the family really wants is this.

On the one hand, I agree.

But also--------this hit me----------- that the alcoholics in A.A. who INSIST on not making amends are not acting decently towards their families!

(Now, many make other changes that are of course good..... but when continually insisting on not apologizing for years of abuse, even when hearing over and over in A.A. that they must do this---- that is usually a reflection of his alcoholic selfishness and self-centeredness continuing to run rampant in that marriage).

Most families in that situation do stay in the marriages........ but many are pretty depressed much of the time because his actually defiantly and continually refusing to make amends reflects the still-arrogance ....... reflects that the behaviors have not really substantially changed, just not-drinking when acting out.

Not that not-drinking is not important!

And for many family members, that really is enough........ and it is not anyone's business to tell others that this should not be enough.

But I remember the early years when I'd attend open-to-the-public Al-Anon meetings as a health professional..... and hear the sharings........and realize that in most meetings, a substantial minority of the people who were crying and unhappy, were living with sober-but-still-arrogant people "in the next room" (the A.A. room).

I know there is hope for recovered alcoholics, of course, when they are still arrogant........but it is so hard to wait sometimes years, hoping for the behaviors to really change.

As an oldtimer in Al-Anon shared with us, "one morning over breakfast, our children were sitting there too........and my husband told us that this was his 9th anniversary sober in A.A. today".

Our one daughter replied (she was 12) "so--- daddy--- before, you were a drinking son-of-a-b**tch....and now you're a sober SOAB!"

The oldtimer in Al-Anon said that for her alcoholic-in-A.A. spouse, this was a turning point, hearing that shocking-to-him statement coming out of the mouth of his child ---- it was then that he started to work the steps of A.A. and made amends.

After nine years in A.A., he finally could HEAR it.

Most A.A.er's, thank goodness, don't rebel against making amends, at least not for nine years ........most drop that kind of defiance and arrogance substantially, pretty soon, after getting sober.

2,)) The spouse of the alcoholic is NOT "making too much of it" to feel that this is so important to her marriage. Most spouses of alcoholics go through YEARS of his drinking before there is sobriety.

And in those years, as it says in the Introduction to the "Getting Them Sober, volume one" book, "SHE goes through the years of HIS drinking-------- stark, raving, sober! Their world is like no others' world-------- she believes his lies, expects miracles, wishes he were dead, and prays that he gets home safely".

This goes on DAILY............. for weeks, for months, for years.

And then he gets sober----------- and expects her to 'just get on with it' and be happy for him that he's sober-------- and expects to SAY NOT A WORD to her about how awful he finally realizes she has had it with him----------FOR YEARS?!

**** Why do I think that some alcoholics rebel // are defiant // when A.A. itself tells the alcoholic that he must work the steps or risk drinking again---------and dying or going insane from it?

Why does he dig his heels in and refuse to make amends when his own life is at risk if he refuses??

a.) because it is part of the brain damage from alcoholism--------- the brain damage that causes the defiance, the arrogance, the rage that is mis-directed............. the brain damage that the alcoholic probably does not even realize that he has........... the brain damage that "excites" the rage-centers of the brain...........

BUT that is not an excuse--------or at least, the 'excuse' of the brain damage just does not work to stop the damage and prevent him from drinking again if he does not bend his will and surrender to the guidance of A.A.'s 12 Steps.

In other words, the alcoholic has to find some way to transcend his own self-destruction-----------the self-destruction that keeps him blaming his spouse, that keeps him in defiance, that keeps him digging his heels in------------- if he is to survive his alcoholism.

And the only way that REALLY works when he is going to A.A. and STILL wants to defy its 12 Steps........... still wants to 'do it his way'............. still wants to find 'sideways' ways to continue to make his spouse look crazy and awful to his "friends".......... the only way that really works to overcome all that "ism" of "alcohol-ism" that is soooooooo deep way inside his "engine-room", is to surrender to A.A..............surrender to his Higher Power that gave him the A.A. way to survive his alcoholism.

And bend his will to God's will and stop being defiant.

Even if he only stops his selfish "I will NOT make amends"---------so that he lives and survives his alcoholism.

The paradox is, if he continues to give up his arrogance only because it is good for his staying alive----------it will eventually help him really heal.............and help his family heal..........despite him.

***** There is a truism in psychiatric literature-----that until and unless we take "what's under the table.....and put it on the table for the light of day to see it..... it cannot be healed".

April, 2010, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

To continue to beat ourselves up, trying to find out "what's our part in it" just because we got really angry over and over ....... just keeps us going with the disease in collusion with the alcoholic........

In other words, the alcoholic loves it when we take the blame (for getting enraged when they abuse us)........ because THAT is the crux of the disease-------the alcoholic GIVING us the blame------and the family member TAKING the blame.

i.e., When the disease is very active-------it is then that both we AND the alcoholic are 'joined together' in blaming us for our anger------- which is ridiculous and abusive------ and takes the focus off the real culprit.

OUR ANGER//RAGE IS JUST A SIDE-SHOW IN THE AWFUL MAIN STAGE OF THE ALCOHOLISM DESTROYING THE FAMILY.

IF WE KEEP FOCUSED ON 'GETTING RID OF OUR ANGER' SO WE CAN BE 'GOOD WOMEN'....... THEN IT'S AKIN TO TELLING A PUPPY TO STOP YELPING WHEN HE IS BEING BEATEN.

Of course I realize that we want to tamp-down our anger when it gives us headaches, stomach-aches, etc....... but we need to do it to get rid of our headaches----------NOT BECAUSE OUR ANGER IS A "CHARACTER DEFECT". (Sometimes, when we are in family recovery, and about to do a 4th-step inventory, we are mis-guided by well-meaning others into thinking that an anger response to abuse from an alcoholic, is a "character defect"-----rather than a natural healthy response that just needs to be dealt with in other ways, so that we can find more inner peace...... NOT so that the alcoholic will find us more accomodating and pleasant when he acts out abusively towards us. It does not matter what he thinks of us ------it's what we think of ourselves. We do not need to find our image in a cracked mirror.)

If we don't get angry at someone abusing us------- It often means that we have become acclimated to abuse.

There is a healthy response to abuse------ it is outrage.

OF COURSE we want to find other ways to respond to abuse, when we cannot leave-----or cannot leave yet------or just don't want to leave.

We need to find other ways when he abuses us------ leave the room, leave the house, all the hundreds of ways that the "Getting Them Sober' books outline.

**** BUT------- IT IS CRITICAL FOR OUR MENTAL HEALTH THAT WE STOP THINKING OF OUR ANGER AS AN EXPRESSION OF OUR "CHARACTER DEFECTS"------ WHEN IT IS A RESULT OF HIS ABUSE.

Rage/anger at those who are not abusive to us----is of course inappropriate and needs to be dealt with. But even then, we often find that we have so much stored-up anger at the alcoholic because of the years of abuse---that we often let it out inappropriately at others. At those times, yes, we need to find ways to deal better with the anger. But again--------it is NOT because of our "character flaws" or "shortcomings". It is only because we have not yet found ways to deal with the primary cause of our rage-----the continual abuse from living with someone else's alcoholism.

And------ when that irrational guilt sets in because we've decided to not take the abuse------ it is important to remember that A.A. Big Book itself says that the alcoholic needs to feel the consequences of his disease for him to have the impetus to get sober. "He himself needs to feel the consequences of his disease"-------- not the family member.

Both A.A. AND Al-Anon agree that it is the alcoholic who needs to feel the consequences of his alcoholism........ not the family member.

Try bringing that to mind, each time the family disease tells you to feel that irrational guilt when saying no to the abuse.

March, 2010, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

a. In our self-inventories, it's helpful to see where our guts want to 'defend' people even when they have done wrongdoing and need to be called on it.

It's an oft-not-talked-about symptom of adult children of alcoholics....... this "flip flopping" from being angry about what is a wrongdoing....... flipping over to feeling guilty when a spade is called a spade.

Feeling guilty when we ourselves "call it" when wrong is done....... even feeling bad when someone else "calls it for what it is'...... wanting to 'make nice' with the person who did a wrongdoing, flopping over and perceiving them 'as victim' ----- and winding up feeling like the person who "called a spade a spade' is 'not nice' for doing so.

It's a subtle and oft-used denial that we families of alcoholics fall into without even knowing it.

It can even 'feel virtuous and good'......... seeing ourselves as "the defenders of the underdog"..........even when the person 'perceived-as-an-under-dog' has bitten someone.

b. I've almost completed work on another CD album------ this time, on the topic of when families of alcoholics are caretakers of disabled alcoholics.

When the visiting nurse or other health practitioners visit the home, they often see that the spouse is angry.......and then get angry, themselves, at the spouse for being angry at 'the poor alcoholic'.

It is SO tempting to fall into irrational-guilt when we are angry with the alcoholic------especially if he is disabled.

I have consulted with literally hundreds of family members who are in that crazymaking position------- where their alcoholics "come off" as victim and the spouse as the shrew-------- when the 'visiting health professional' sees only "one frame" out of the whole movie......and feels that the alcoholic is being victimized.

Families of alcoholics can often find themselves feeling the same kind of feelings as those visiting health professionals------- feeling judgmental about another family member's anger. Then, flip-flopping back into their own anger at the same alcoholic........ then feeling guilty for their own anger when they reacted to being verbally//mentally abused by the disabled alcoholic. And on and on and on.

c. This syndrome, unfortunately, is not uncommon. Typical scenarios are ----- when a spouse is caretaking an alcoholic who is wheelchair-bound, and has spent years womanizing, cursing her out, and crazymaking.......... and still is able to successfully 'threaten' his spouse with other women, telling her that he'll find someone else who will take care of him if she walks away from him when he is in the mood to thrash at her verbally. She believes he can do that, as incredulous as it may seem.

Of course, we can easily say, "that woman needs help"........but the reality is, percentage-wise, very few wives who are caretakers of disabled alcoholics, go for help.

They are understandably afraid that they will not be understood when they try to articulate how crazymaking the situation is for years // decades, in that home. They are afraid that they will come off as over-reactive and just tired of taking care of a disabled person.

And yes, they probably are tired, as many caretakers are.

But their situation is so very exacerbated, and adds to the exhaustion, when the alcoholic is good at coming off as "street angel" when he really continues to be "house devil".

d. There is an entire chapter called "From Rage to Pity---A Trap" in the "Getting Them Sober, volume 2" book, about this very issue.

February, 2010, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

"Change" is so hard for most people.

But for those of us who were raised in an alcoholic family------or by emotionally abusive parent(s)------- we so long for security. And that longing for things to, in a way, stay the same, does not lessen easily. It takes pretty much constant attentiveness to when the longing pops up-------and awareness of when we justify it.........i.e., don't ask ourselves to go further into healing from it.

Just want "security"-----get annoyed//angry//subconsciously (?) at the person "causing the change" ----- and not wanting to make the sometimes-gargantuan effort to step into the healing process of confronting that need (in ourselves) for others to emotionally stay as we want them to be.

It's, I believe, a really tough spiritual journey---------that looking square-at the want for security.

And sometimes, that wanting for security translates into wanting others whom we care about // love to not-grow. Oh, we don't tell ourselves that--------we just feel it and often don't admit it to ourselves.

We want children to grow up healthy---------but when they seriously start that breaking-apart 'stuff'------- to become independent-------it can feel so much like betrayal.

We want friends and family members to learn to be independent and emotionally healthy---------- but inside, it can feel like such an ache when they choose to "go another path" and move away from us either physically or emotionally -------- not because they don't want to be near us-------- but because it's in their best interest and it has nothing to do with us.

But it can feel so much like abandonment.

Therapists want their patients to become independent and healthy-------but when patients reach what may serio-comically be called "the teenage stage"------- when they start to "feel their oats" and have a "tone" sometimes, when they feel strong and display a newly-growing phenomenon --------to actually show that strength to their therapists (!) who they know, inside, might not like losing their "power" over the patient that always has shown herself//himself to be "the weak one"--------- that, to the therapist, can feel like a loss of equilibrium............ a loss of control (if that might just a little bit of an issue of the therapist??) ......... a sense of jealousy that the patient might be going headlong into exciting areas and succeeding and therefore not seeming like 'the weak one' ---------when maybe the therapist doesn't herself//himself have whatever it might take at the moment-------- to do that for himself//herself .......??........ and maybe has some slight jealousy // depression over all this.......??.........

Then-------------- there's the flip-side of all this............

First, probably most of us have all these feelings at times. But probably, most people raised in dysfunctional homes have these feelings really big-time.........much more than others.

So--------- maybe there are things that we can do when we are "causing" those feelings of insecurity in others. Now, I realize that we "don't cause" feelings in others. But we sure can be kind-er when we recognize that those feelings are cropping up in others.

Sometimes, it's just talking with a tone of more-kindness when letting someone know that one cannot be with someone at a time when they really want us to be.

Now, that's really hard when we're newly-independent and come-off with almost-aggressiveness when we 'state' that we're going to do such-and-such. We probably, most of the time, don't feel aggressive towards people we like, when we 'state' that we can no longer do such and such----------- but it's so new for us to do so-------that we kind of 'stomp around' with big boots on, so to speak--------- in order to convince ourselves that we indeed do have the right to do what we deem best for ourselves.

But we often, in that process.......... don't even remember to watch the faces of the people we are making declarations to----------- I mean here, people we really like (not talking about abusers in this topic).

If we see the hurt or fear in their eyes, we maybe can remember to let them know we care about how they feel. That can so much help make a bridge from them--------to your new self.

It can open up discussion about this really very touchy subject. For if we bring it up for discussion, we need to remember that many people might not be willing to let you know that they too feel vulnerable........... and don't like it at all that you brought all this up. It kind of makes you both "equal"............

But, again, if you sense that bucking-up against your opening up a subject that can make that person as vulnerable as you are-----------when it wasn't like that before------- kindness, once again, can go far.

We can be kind when we sense that they are really, underneath their defensiveness, just scared..............like we all are, at times.............when our sense of wanting security........... is threatened.

January, 2010, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

A.)) Over the years, when consulting with persons who are 'in between relationships' or starting new ones....and have a history of being involved with alcoholics...... I lead them through seeing all the ways they have gotten sidetracked......i.e., all the ways that we find to minimize the truth about how bad it is..... all the ways we maximize crumbs of good behaviors and tell ourselves they are happening FREQUENTLY .......so we can convince ourselves and others about "how well he is doing".

Almost all of the time, after they leave the relationship with Person X, they want someone who is "not like that person at all".

So, they get someone 'entirely different'......they think.

The alcoholic they were involved with is history......and now they have a teetotaller.

But, it turns out, that teetotaller is a rage-a-holic....that person----their 'next person', I tell them, was "person Y"

So, the next relationship, they look for someone who is calm, quiet.

They get involved with a calm, quiet, non-alcoholic guy who can't keep a job. ....... That often turns out to be Person "Z".

By then, she calls me, and says, "help me!" "I keep picking losers!"

I tell her about this pattern of continuing to look for someone who does not have 'B' or "c" or "d" problem....BUT who has a 'fatal flaw' of another kind.

**** And I tell her that ALL people who are dating, encounter such people.

The problem with us who've been in relationships with alcoholics --------who have learned to minimize how bad it is------- is that we STAY with that not-good-for-us-person beyond date number one...and we say to ourselves, that it is not happening or that it is not so bad.

Persons who do not have a history of minimizing abuse------they see it-----they know how bad it is-----and they leave.

No 'second chances' -----no second dates.

It's not "harsh".

They are just realistic and know that when they see red-flags, they ARE there!

And they do not want to go on with that kind of character problem in a person. So they don't waste their time going out with him again.

We, on the other hand, go on for months and years, telling ourselves that it is not really that bad.......until we just can't stand it anymore.....and then wonder what is wrong with US for not being able to take it------or for staying so long.

It usually all boils down to-------- the minimizing of how bad it really is-----from Date Number One.

The Red Flags Are There from the first encounter.

And when people tell me, 'oh no-------he was wonderful' (when she's called me because she's miserable with this new guy)....... upon a lot of questioning in our consultation sessions, the truth shows itself.......and the she finally REMEMBERS the 'little stuff' that she overlooked and minimized.

She could not even recall them when she first tried to remember them.

That's how good we are at minimizing.

It's acknowledging the red-flags------ and not telling ourselves that "we are making too much of it."

****** b.) IT IS NOT A MATTER OF FOCUSSING ON WHAT WE WANT RATHER THAN WHAT WE DO NOT WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP.

We ALL know what we want.

We ALL know what the good qualities are.

**** But we CANNOT get relationships with people who are consistently decent and good for us if we continue to deny and minimize.

For we WILL encounter those persons with "fatal flaws".

And we will continue to date them after the first date if we don't stop the minimizing so that we CAN root-through the mess to get to the gold.

C.)) I had a client, years ago, who left her husband. She wanted me to talk with her adult children, too. She told me her husband was never violent. Her kids told me that he shot shotguns through the living room ceiling every Saturday night.

She told me, when I related this to her-------- "Oh, I forgot".

Denial also means 'forgetting the facts.'

That's whey one of the chapters in the books is called, "remember the facts."

D.)) Another way we minimize is to tell ourselves that what is really going on is NOT AT ALL what is going on.

Here is a short excerpt from the chapter called "What Are the REal Problems About Dating Again?" in the "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book-------

"Karen had been married ten years. She thought her "real problem" was that she had wanted to marry a dentist. Her mother had married a dentist. her grandmother was married to a doctor. And she told me, "the expectation was there.

"Karen did NOT marry a dentist, I found out. She married a dental-school dropout who insinuated to the world that he was working on becoming a dentist...... and wasn't Karen lucky to have found him!

"Karen carried her denial further-----she SKIRTED the issue of denial-----and told me that her MAIN problem was that she wanted to "live through his success.

Well, he did NOT HAVE that success to live through!

Karen believed the lies. She went after the dentist-marriage and married, instead, the unemployed, dental-school dropout for ten years------- and told herself (and others), "he'll be a dentist yet!"

But deep deep down, we know better.........so we don't tell anyone..... because we are so ashamed of how we twist things so that other people will think we "have chosen well".

That shame keeps us stuck. We cannot heal from that which we cannot admit.

E.)) A couple of family members whom I've been working with over the years, have recently emailed me about their progress. And both of them are in a stage where they are not dating at the moment, but both are 'seeing through' the illusions that used to get them involved with alcoholics who 'look good' on the surface-----but who don't have real substance, underneath-------character-wise.

One woman tells me that she went out -----just once---- with an alcoholic who is 'dry' (goes to A.A. but seemed to her, to be just mouthing the program of recovery, and he doesn't drink). He was rather 'full of himself' ------- grandiose in his self-concept. Not able to truly 'see' himself ----in order to correctly assess his situation.

He presented himself to her on their date as a "contractor"----- but turns out, he worked on a team of day-laborers, with the contractor being his boss. Over dinner, he expressed 'sideways' resentments and contempt about the owner of the contracting company......presenting a picture to her as though "the boss is just lucky". Not wanting to face the reality----- that his boss built up his company for decades, working hard, taking all the courses to be a master-carpenter, a master-electrician, etc.....i.e., getting the credentials to be able to bid-on and obtain big jobs in the area..and then sloughing through all the hard work of hiring/losing/hiring other guys...... along with, of course, the daily big and small problems facing most business owners.

Like many alcoholics (thank God, not most), the guy my client was dating, wanted short-cuts.... a way to 'make it' without the years of preparation and hard work.

Now, of course, most people want things to 'be easy'.

But most people are not narcissistic/grandiose enough to literally say aloud on a date that they could easily replace their boss (when there are no credentials to go along with that statement)........ and expect that their date will believe them and be impressed! (At least, not without being embarrassed when they hear themselves speak it aloud).

Fortunately, the woman (who emailed me about her progress) doesn't any more tell herself that "he'll be a dentist yet!"------when he was a dental-school-dropout decades ago.

She recognized that syndrome in him-------and most important-----for herself. She remembered how, years ago, she actually did fall-for alcoholic guys who 'presented' themselves as "more than they were" -- and who, themselves, wanted so much to believe it......and wanted her to believe it.

But----her progress in her family recovery is way further ahead than even she realizes!

She is now, deep-down, only attracted to guys who (as it says in one of the "Getting Them Sober" books) are not like the Chocolate Easter Bunny (i.e., when you see them, they 'look good'-------but when you bite-into them, you find out they are hollow.)

***** This topic is critical for family recovery------and needs to be addressed in meetings, or with one's counselor, or with one's sponsor----- in order to really 'stop falling for' grandiose alcoholics.

Grandiose persons do not make good mates.