December, 2009, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

a. Not all the time of course------but MOST of the time------ when a later-stage alcoholic leaves his/her spouse-----and "finds" a "new person" that he/she claims is "all wonderful"------ that ALMOST ALWAYS means he has found a new person WHO NOT ONLY WILL NOT COMPLAIN ABOUT HIS DRINKING-----BUT WHO WILL DRINK ALCOHOLICALLY WITH HIM.

b. Now------ how does that usually "play out"?

1. They both try to "present to the world" that they are the happiest//sexiest//most compatible//most intimate------- "couple" that ever was.

2. The truth? Behind the scenes-------if he was doing mental abuse to you------- he will continue mental abuse to her too--------BUT IN PROBABLY A DIFFERENT FORM.

If you liked silence, he talked all the time, following you and not even letting you sleep.

If SHE likes talking and can't stand silence--------he's gives her the silent treatment.

3. The truth? MOST relationships like that (where both are alcoholic), end up with some kind of physical violence.

Why? Both have their left frontal lobes of their brains chronically toxic. That means their judgment of reality is skewed------------AND they either lack or greatly lost their "internal stop signs"-------those 'stop signs' that normal people act on, where they don't act out physically, even if they feel like it.

4. Women alcoholics "get sicker quicker than men". If a woman alcoholic is 35 years old, her alcoholism is as advanced as a man around 50. If you add 12-15-18 years to the actual age of a woman------ and if the woman is alcoholic, her disease progresses MUCH faster than does a male alcoholic.

5. He will probably get tired of her----------much quicker than one can imagine.

Almost EVERYONE I tell this------says to me, "oh no Toby! He'll never get tired of her!"

Well-------he may even marry her------but the chances are, that he will divorce her------------and then come back to you and knock on your door and say, "hi babe! how ya doing?" -------as if he never left.

THAT is what I was writing about when I wrote in "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book, "it's hard to lose an alcoholic".

c. I do realize that it is SO hard to fathom that "this" alcoholic (yours) will come back......and drop that woman in a heartbeat.

Almost everyone says, "well, it's been months now-------or a year or more"........... etc etc............ but give it time.

In my professional experience (over 30 years of training counselors and writing the "Getting Them Sober" books and helping families through this awfulness--------- more than 95% of them have returned.

If you want them.

(They have 'radar'-------- they usually wait until you have just about given up all hope OR INTEREST in them coming back.........and then comes the proverbial knock on the door.)

Now------- there will be some people who say, "well, MINE never came back."

Yes, it is not 100%. But it sure is close to that.

c. Now------why is this important to know all this? Because it takes away much of the panic that we naturally feel when first abandoned. In the first weeks//months after he left it is NORMAL to obsess and feel awful. And this knowledge DOES help to calm down to some degree-----knowing that "she" is a temporary "animal comfort" in his life.

The more we can know facts like this---the faster our healing.

November, 2009, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

A.)) In one of the "Recovery tips of the month" on this website, I said that I feel that families of alcoholics can often relate to that television ad for trash bags--------- In that tv ad, they show that you can be on the 7th floor of a building and put their trash bag out the window and keep adding garbage in it, and it stretches and stretches til it hits the ground....it holds sooooo much garbage!

We often are like that-------- we stretch and stretch to accomodate all the garbage that gets flung at us on a daily/weekly/yearly basis.

The problem is-------we often "pride ourselves" and think that it is a virtue that we can put up with so much.

That is not a virtue.

It is often a necessity-----in order to stay in the relationship for whatever reasons we do that. (And NO ONE has the right to tell us that we should leave or stay).

But it is not a "virtue" that we can put up with so much---------stretch so much------- to try to contain the junk.

If we start to (even a little bit) think that it makes us 'holy' or 'virtuous' to have put up with their nonsense------- we get into emotional trouble.

One of the things we need to deal with in our "self-inventory" is whether or not we subconsciously "turn our issues into virtues".

If we do that------if we see it as a virtue that we put up with so much----- then we do not think that we need to heal from that.

We don't need to heal our virtues.

We only need healing of our issues.

This is subtle------but a very needed, but un-talked-about issue in our family recovery meetings.

B.)) This reminds me of what the alcoholic says to us--------- 'you are SUCH a good woman!" (when patting us on the head for putting up with his stuff).

I think that sentence, "You are SUCH a good woman!"----- when told to us because we put up with such a huge amount of his junk------ is a sentence in the English language that should be banned.

It reinforces in us that it is good that we put up with abuse.

It reinforces in us that we are "good women" -----in the sense that the intrinsic meaning of "good woman" INCLUDES putting up with abuse from alcoholics.

It rewards us for accomodating garbage.

We don't need that.

We stay, of course, when we feel we need to......... but that feeling that it is somehow "good" of us to put up with garbage------ is an additional invisible boulder in the way if we want to leave the relationship.

**** I do realize of course that we often love that 'pat on the back' for what we put up with....... because it often feels like it is the only thing that we "get" from the relationship.

But it is a double-edged sword.

It feels good, but---------

It keeps us in abuse.

***** And-------it is very interesting------ the alcoholic often WANTS us to think that we are 'good' when we put up with his stuff.

He KNOWS that it keeps us doing that.

He gets uncomfortable------even angry-------if he finds out that we don't consider it a virtue anymore to be called "a good woman" by him.

October, 2009, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

One of the CRITICAL components of family recovery, is to start internalizing the facts about alcoholism.

***** Not doing so, just hinders our recovery.

How so?

a.) Yes, of course most alcoholics behave terribly.

But the awful behavior is a result of the toxic alcohol on the frontal lobes of the brain and on the central nervous system of the alcoholic.

That chronic toxicity causes the rage-centers of the brain to become 'excited'------and causes brain damage.

That combination------ the toxicity and the rage centers becoming regularly excited------- causes the rotten behavior, like no other disease does.

Now, why is that important to know?

***** Because if we persist in trying to tell ourselves that it does not matter what the cause is, of his behavior---------then we are led back to the erroneous thought-process that makes us think that the behavior is really because of "relationship problems".

We are all inundated with the Dr. Phil's of the world in the media, who believe that erroneous nonsense.

And when we go to therapists who believe it too------- then we are led down the path of trying to discover "what our part in it is"....... and taking on half the responsiblity for the "bad relationship"........

***** .......and THAT leads inevitably to blaming the family member-------again and again.

Over the last 30 years, when I receive phone calls from family members for telephone consultations, most of them tell me that they have been to an average of eleven counselors----- who have overtly or covertly wound up blaming them for the relationship.

But even when the family member who calls me is in Al-Anon------they too usually have difficulty in understanding how very important it is for the family to understand the 'disease'-----how that understanding is critical for our family recovery.

There is a "Recovery Tip of the Month" on this website that explains why that difficulty exists.

Basically, it's this--------- we often feel that if the alcoholic is said to have a disease------we think then, that means he's getting away with rotten behavior. That it 'lets him off the hook'.

And that is total nonsense.

Why?

For the TREATMENT of his disease ------if he doesn't want to die from the disease------- requires him to do the 12 steps of A.A.! And those 12 steps include making amends to the family-------and thoroughly changing his behavior towards his family!

Those who go to A.A. and who do not do that major change in their behavior to the family-----are putting their sobriety at risk, and increase their chances of dying or going insane from their alcoholism.

The A.A. Big Book itself, makes the truth very clear-------- it says that when the alcoholic gets sober, he sees that his alcoholism caused most of the problems in the home. NOT "the relationship with his spouse".

This message in the A.A. Big Book, is totally opposed to the mental-health profession's stating that each of the family members "plays an equal role" in the dysfunction.

That lack of understanding of how the disease works, by most counselors (who are all taught this, still, in all the professional schools where they get degrees in mental-health counseling) ------ leads inevitably to the family member getting trashed in therapy.

B.)) In that vein, here is an excerpted chapter from the "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book-----

Chapter 5: The Alcoholic Does Not Exist Separately from the Alcoholism

I hear a lot from family members that they "can't totally believe that the alcoholism has that much control over the alcoholic."

Very often, that statement stems from a belief system that tells the family that "there's the alcoholism over here Ð and the alcoholic and his nuttiness over there."

They think of alcoholism only as cirrhosis of the liver, or late-stage brain damage, or falling-down drunkenness.

They can't quite believe that the alcoholism controls all the person's thoughts, actions, and feelings.

Why is the family unable to get past their own denial?

a) The family doesn't really understand that a person's thoughts, feelings, and actions are highly influenced by toxic poisons acting on the brain/spinal cord/central nervous system.

The alcohol isn't just working on the brain when the person is drinking. It takes a long time to get it out of the system, and the alcoholic is usually drinking again before it's out. So, there isn't usually any real "sobriety" at all.

(Picture people going into surgery on twilight drugs. They say weird things and are not "loving and understanding and involved with their spouses." Picture doing this for months and years, day after day, and you have regularly-distorted thoughts, feelings, and actions.)

b) The family often wants to believe that there really is a psychiatric reason for all this. This is because if the alcoholic refuses to go to treatment, the family naturally feels despairing and hopes that the problem may be something other than the alcoholism so that the alcoholic will go to some kind of "treatment." (In the hope that something "will take" and he'll get well.)

The problem is, the majority of therapists do not understand alcoholism. They often try to help the alcoholic focus on his/her childhood to supposedly "get to the root of the problem." They think that the "root of the problem" is not alcoholism, but a psychiatric reason. They believe, therefore, that the alcoholic can't really stop drinking until that "psy-chiatric root cause" is found. Then (accord-ing to this theory), the real need for alcoholic drinking would just wither away.

The alcoholic often agrees to go to this kind of treatment because he knows it leaves his drinking intact.

The problem is, that treatment approach seldom works.

Alcoholism is not secondary to a psychiatric problem. Alcoholism is a primary disease in and of itself.

Historically millions of alcoholics have died from the effects of alcoholic drinking Ð while trying to "get at the root of the problem" in therapy. (As a matter of fact, many people do discover, and "work on" their childhood trauma in therapy Ð and still continue to drink and die.)

And, even if there is a psychiatric problem in addition to the alcoholism, it is very difficult to treat the mental illness unless total abstinence from alcohol is first attained.

It is also extremely difficult to even diagnose whether or not a person has a psychiatric illness in addition to alcoholism, if that person is still drinking. The alco-hol-induced crazy behavior must be at least somewhat abated by sobriety, in order to correctly assess the patient. Many people have been incorrectly diagnosed as "mentally ill" Ð when in fact they have alcohol-induced behaviors that mimic mental illness.

Additionally, it is often difficult to convince an alcoholic to leave ineffective psychiatric counseling - to go for real help for the alcoholism - because that attendance at the therapist's office is a further excuse to continue drinking! The alcoholic says to the family, "What do you mean, get help? I'm getting help! I've been seeing my therapist every week now for five years! What more do you want?" And sadly, many therapists who do not understand alcoholism really believe that the "family interaction" causes the alcoholic's drinking. Therefore, those therapists focus not on the alcoholism, but on the "family anger" at the alcoholic. As a result, more blaming of the family goes on - this time with the stamp of approval of therapy.

c) The family sees the alcoholic as such a tin god Ð so powerful Ð they wind up with a block against believing that anything is more powerful than the alcoholic. (The alcoholic has told the family that for years, and the family naturally believes it.)

* * *

Think about how powerful you think your alcoholic is. Think about how it colors all your beliefs about control issues; about treatment; about what you have the right to do and not to do; and about your self-image

September, 2009, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

a. Oldtimers in A.A., tell the newcomers, to stop romanticizing the booze. Stop romanticizing the 'good times'......... the times (at the beginning of their relationships with alcohol) that they wound up feeling good at the end of the bout.

They advise them (in order to STAY sober) to remember how it wound up, instead of how it began.

That advice not only keeps them sober........ it makes it SO much easier for them to stay sober.

It makes it SO much less agonizing a journey for the alcoholic.

b. That advice would be good to follow, too, for when we are trying to get through the period of time when we are separated.

For the times when we know that the addiction is so far gone, that we cannot, even if we try, live with that end-stage addict/alcoholic, and have any peace.

It is then to try to stop 'romancing' the past, in our heads.

That just leads us to living in illusion.

For, as the oldtimers in A.A. say, "once he's a pickle, he will never again be a cucumber".

Romancing the past that can never again be good because the disease has led him way past where he can be decent in a relationship with us....... just leads us to despair and un-necessary time of longing.

"Beating our heads against a brick wall".

Yes, grief-work is necessary.

But it does not have to be as long........as anguishing....... when we try to take the edges off it, by just reminding ourselves of what he was like in the last period of time of the relationship.

That time ------- that last period of time-------is the best that it would be, for most of us, if we returned to the still-addicted person.

Because the disease is progressive..........it gets worse.

c. For many of us----not all of course-------but for many of us----- who are at heart, romantics------ it is so tempting to up-grade the good times in our heads. To tell ourselves--------and to try to believe it-------that the good times were deeper and longer than they were.

And, because of our love of romanticism, we are so often tempted to love to linger looking at the relationship with almost a roses-and-violins background........ when it was in reality, almost always, a few minutes of closeness surrounded by hours of him passed out and pickled.

It is more fun, in a way, to romance the past........... it is tempting........ I truly do understand that......... but it makes our recovery time longer. I know it is a yukky trade-off, but it is often a good idea to be willing to let go of some of our romanticism............ at least in terms of the relationship that can no longer go anywhere.

August, 2009, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

A.) I think many of us agonize to try to make sure we're being "fair" to the alcoholic.

Do we agonize at least AS MUCH--------- to be fair to OURSELVES???!!!

Most of us unfortunately, never even give that a thought.

We're so "married" to the idea that we need to be "good" and "decent"------- but that is second-nature to most of us!

We DON'T have to work hard to be decent--------- we just ARE.

When we basically are decent folk.......... when we're agonizingly detailed about trying to do the "right thing".........the "fair thing"......... when we're "making deals" with the alcoholic, in divorce, etc., financial stuff, ............. WE WIND UP GIVING AWAY THE STORE.

Because when we start off being what we are---------i.e., decent-----and then we agonize to "bend over backwards" to "be nice"------------ we look like the leaning tower of Pisa..............

.......... and wind up giving 3-4--------and more---------times what would be considered to be "fair".

B.) When they are actively drinking, they (to use the vernacular, which is very apropos here!) "pis* it all away" anyway.

They buy drinks for all at the bar. They buy their "girlfriends" necklaces, rings, etc. They take their "girlfriends" on trips and vacations.

All that money a. could put shoes on your children. b. could pay for the children's insurance and doctor bills and tuitions and Scout uniforms and sports equipment etc etc etc -------that you don't have the money for------ partly because you need keep going to court to chase him to pay for his half of the medical bills ------that he signed in court to pay.

Oh---------I know-------- He "agreed" to pay for most of this verbally------- he said he'll be generous and fair.

But, even though this does happen in a minority of cases------- most alcoholics will run into a "buddy" or two at the bars who will refer him to an attorney who will advise him "not to be taken to the cleaners by his wife".

And, down the line, when he can work less because he is more disabled from his alcoholism BECAUSE THE DISEASE OF ALCOHOLISM IS A PROGRESSIVE ONE AND GETS WORSE WITH EACH DRINK ..............and when he fought with yet another boss and got fired....... and had to take a lesser job and gets less income......... his child-support payments will be reduced by the court.

And even if he gets a better job later---------- you'll still have more court and lawyer-fee payments to take him back to court yet another time, to get the payments back up where they were in the first place.

And all the lawyer and court payments when he's late with child support payments.........and the late-fees you may encounter when you're late paying bills because you didn't get the child support from him until 4 months later, after the court date to drag him back to court was rescheduled once again, by his attorney.

C.) If you feel guilty about getting what you can, financially, from the original court divorce//settlement--------- you'd probably be well advised to see your guilt as your family disease of alcoholism, sitting on your shoulder and 'advising' you to collude, once again, with the alcoholism, to take the responsibility for his disease onto your own shoulders.

What's good for the family is good for the alcoholic.

D.) The "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book is all about the often-hidden issues when separating from/divorcing an alcoholic........ the hidden issues that often don't just "go away" after the separation-------- especially when children are involved.

July, 2009, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

1.) As many of you know, already, who have been to this website before, one of the purposes of this site is to help re-educate mental-health professionals in how they do therapy with families of alcoholics. Specifically, with the spouses//partners of alcoholics....... who, in the professional literature, are often called not only "enablers"-------but the spouse is often also termed "the Chief Enabler".

(Please see the "June, 2009, Recovery Tip of the Month" for a thorough explanation of that issue.

You can read it by clicking-on this link ---- http://gettingthemsober.com/tip_of_the_month.html )

2.) Well, this practice of not understanding what is really going on in alcoholic families, goes back quite a bit of time........

In the 1988 pamphlet that was originally published by the Johnson Institute, and then re-published by Hazelden, a pamphlet called "Detachment"------

it says, "........ people who live with an alcoholic can become just as self-centered as the drinker.

"Notice their (the spouses') language-------

"Why are you doing this to me?"

"Why are you making me suffer?"

"Don't you care about my feelings?"

"Don't you love me?"

"What am I going to do with you?"

(end of quote from that pamphlet)

3.) Now, this is so awful that it's hard to know where to start........ well, let's start with the Theatre of the Absurd------

Let's make an analogy ----- first we have a wife who has a drinking alcoholic for a husband. They have two small children under the age of 5. He got paid----it's Friday------ and he "went out for groceries" at 6 p.m.

He came back home on Sunday at 10 p.m.

She was frantic.

She asked him those above questions (the ones that the pamphlet says, show that she is "self-centered'" for asking.)

OK-------here's the analogy------

Let's say a thief broke into your home.

He stole everything.

The police caught him and when they were marching him off to jail, you saw all of them walking by. He is in handcuffs. You had no insurance and lots of the things were broken or gone through and trashed by the time the police caught him.

You cry out to the thief, in tears, "WHY did you do this to us?!"

the analogy-------- The police look at you and admonish you that you "are being very self-centered for asking him this. You need to be thinking about the pain that he went through to live this kind of life instead of thinking about yourself."

This is largely the message in that pamphlet.

Does this need to be sent to someone who writes for the Theatre of the Absurd?

4.) It's really high-time that the spouse of the alcoholic starts to stop being blamed. Needs to stop being told, "you volunteered for abuse". Needs to stop being asked, "what's your part in it?"

"Our part in it" is taking the junk.

If you want to know "the part the family played in it"---------just read the A.A. Big Book! That book knows more about what happened to the family of the alcoholic than most mental-health professionals have been taught to understand.

The Big Book says, "Our wives were but saints".

The Big Book says that once the alcoholic gets and stays sober, he learns to turn the kaleidascope around, and look at the family from the other end from which he's been looking.

It says that 90% of the problems in the family were directly caused by the alcoholic's drinking. And that when all that stops, the alcoholic is not to blame the family member, and not to say to his wife, like a man coming out of the storm cellar after the storm passed, "ain't it grand, ma, that the storm has passed, isn't it a beautiful day."

The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says to the alcoholic, that he has been like a tornado ripping through the lives of his family........and that the next step is to make the amends.

Not to ask his wife, "And what was YOUR part in it?"

5.) Years ago, I was at one of the many A.A. open-to-the-public meetings that I attend as a health professional, and it was at an old-fashioned halfway house where many an alcoholic gets sober under the tutelage of oldtimers who understand alcoholism like no other.

One young newcomer complained to the oldtimer who was chairing the meeting, "My wife makes me feel so guilty!"

The oldtimer said to him, "You know why you feel guilty? Because you're guilty!"

And the healing began.

June, 2009, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

A.) The term "enabler" is SO rampant in society now-------thanks to professionals who want to blame the non-addicted family member, and who do their best to make sure the term 'enabler' is as familiar and often-used as the household term "Ritz crackers".

But it is a destructive term.

Here is a partially-excerpted chapter from the "Getting Your Children Sober" book......BUT PLEASE READ IT EVEN IF YOU DON'T HAVE CHILDREN OR EVEN IF YOU HAVE KIDS, BUT THEY ARE NOT ALCOHOLICS......... THE IDEAS IN IT ARE JUST AS APPLICABLE TO THOSE OF US IN RELATIONSHIPS WITH ADULT ALCOHOLICS.

Here is that chapter excerpt------

"Enabling" is meant to describe the rescue operations that the spouse or parent of an alcoholic carries out, when he can't stand watching the alcoholic suffer the consequences of the disease. When that happens, he "cleans up" the alcoholic's messes (lies to the school that his son has the flu when the child was actually picked up for drunk driving). That way, the alcoholic doesn't suffer the real consequences of his behavior.

A parent must learn, eventually, to get some detachment on watching these crises happen in order to stop cleaning up after the child. The idea is to allow the disease to hurt the child so much that he or she wants to get sober. Of course, it takes a parent a lot of time in a healing group such as Al-Anon in order to be able to do this. And this detachment can't be forced or rushed by counselors. It is a slow process, and very frightening.

When a mother rescues her alcoholic child and I label her an enabler, she obviously is still doing the rescuing behaviors and is not yet unafraid enough to give them up. She knows I am being judgmental when I use this term. Even when I say it lovingly, I seem to be admonishing her to go faster than she is capable of doing at that time. And she feels despairing, because she is doing her best. She may get so discouraged and frustrated and overwhelmed that she stops treatment.

More specifically, the term enabler implies that while the parents did not cause the drinking, their rescue operations contributed to the perpetuation of the drinking. Such thinking is dangerous; it leads alcoholics, who are already looking for a way to blame others for the drinking, into again placing responsibility for the drinking on the family.

Alcoholics do not need any encouragement to blame others! Alcoholism counselors spend most of their time trying to crack through the blame-systems of alcoholics. It is considered to be a major breakthrough in the wellness process of alcoholics when they begin to acknowledge that nothing "got them drunk." In contrast, alcoholics who have had relapses and are re-entering treatment are now often heard saying, "I wouldn't have gone out that time if I hadn't been enabled!"

The alternative to being labeled enablers is to teach you to end the rescue operations through the simple but effective process of detachment. For, detachment will help end your fears - and it is your fears that originally caused you to rescue. And even though, in this book, we are primarily talking about parents and kids, the detachment process is especially important if you also are married to an alcoholic. It is important for you to lose your fears of that adult alcoholic so you can get on with your life and become more able to deal with your children-alcoholics.

How does detachment work? How does it help you to lose your fears of your alcoholic child or spouse? The general process goes something like this:

1) When you begin to learn ways to stop watching the alcoholic in order to begin the healing process of seeing to your own needs, the alcoholic has radar and senses this switch in focus.

2) Much of the "games" stop then, because the alcoholic child knows that less attention will be paid to him or her.

3) By continuing to focus on yourself instead of the alcoholic, you get an even greater distance (detachment) from the threats, and begin to lose your fears of them. You begin to see how you gave the alcoholic so much of his or her power. You can take it back!

4) Again, the alcoholic senses this. He or she begins to threaten even less.

5) You see that detachment works! You gain more confidence. Many of the illusions in your household are beginning to end.

6) You lose much of your preoccupation with the alcoholic. Your preoccupation was based on your needing to stop him or her from hurting you. You now see they are much less capable of hurting you than you thought. They've already done most of the damage they can do. But the game has been to keep up more of the same junk, to keep up the illusion that the alcoholic is powerful. This no longer works. You have learned not to look at him or her; to walk out of the room; out of the house - to not beg.

7) The alcoholic now stands alone with his or her disease. They've lost their audience, and therefore drop much of the bullying. You are not watching it.

The alcoholic can no longer get you to believe you are responsible for his or her drinking and for the craziness in that house.

9) The alcoholic has a chance to grow up and make a decision to get help.

10) You are free.

When I teach parents the dynamic of what I have just described, they begin to naturally let go of the disease - to detach, and therefore stop enabling - because they are losing their fears of the alcoholics. All of us stop manipulating and controlling people when we lose our fears of them.

* * *

As a therapist, I try to let parents know that I will gently help them along the not-straight road toward freedom from their fears. I let them know that they do not have to meet a timetable. In fact, I let them know that I am aware that I do not walk in their shoes, that they must be comfortable to make even a small step; that what I will do is love and accept them, even when they vacillate in their ability to detach from the disease.

I let the parents know that I know they will be ready some day. I try to give them the same hope that Al-Anon holds out - that my acceptance of them will be part of the healing and will help move them along toward health and the choices that they now can only dream of.

And then, gently, naturally, interventions do happen, because with one hand I provide the healing embrace and comfort of total acceptance and without pressure; while with the other hand, I hold up the mirror of reality and nudge them along ever so gently toward reality.

B.) Along those same lines------- there is a terrible 25+ - year history of subtle and not-so-subtle attacks on the non-addicted spouse...... Here is a Recovery Tip of the Month that gives that history, in some detail. (It is copied and pasted from the Recovery Tip of the Month section on this website)

"September, 2002, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

It was about 1984 that I first started noticing the subtle and not-so-subtle attacks on the spouses of alcoholics in some of the literature about alcoholism and the family.

a.) The first launch on the families in some of the literature started calling the families "enablers" instead of "rescuers". (think of the difference in connotation----- the first term has the "feel" of a deliberate act of helping the alcoholic to stay drunk---- the second has a much more gentle "feel" of a family member who is loving and well-meaning but who is using ineffective means to help.)

b.)Then, it got a bit worse -- the spouse of the alcoholic started being called The Chief Enabler..... the connotation there needs almost no explanation. It screams of an almost planned deliberate plan of action to keep the alcoholic sick.

c.) Then, towards the end of the 1980's, there appeared a few articles in journals that claimed that Al-Anon was really only a place for spouses of alcoholics who were basically hopeless......hopelessly attached to the alcoholic and not strong enough to be one of those majority of stronger wives of alcoholics who COULD break away. Around that time, I started receiving hundreds of phone calls from families about these very questions ------ families whose heads were spinning from not knowing what to do when they were confronted by counselors they just met who insisted that they leave decades-long marriages because (they were told) they were either "enablers" or "too codependent". They were told that if they tried to help their spouses, they were "enablers". If they wanted to stay in their marriages, they were "too codependent". (Around that time, I read an article in the Baltimore Sunpapers about a reporter who watched a film, along with family members, at a local treatment center, entitled "the enablers" ------and the reporter watched the families' angry faces after the film was over. The reporter asked the families, why are you so angry? One woman put it so well------- "If we're helping, we're enablers; if we're angry, we're b**ches. When do we win?!"

What is very difficult to get some people to understand is, is that this disease of alcoholism ----- this crazymaking, emotionally abusive behavior of the drinking alcoholic ------ is so terrifying to the family, and yet is, at the same time, so cunningly hooking in its way of going from soul-destruction of the family to making the family feel so special, so close -- and back-and-forth and back-and-forth ------- that the result is that the family is so turned on its head and confused and winds up so lacking in self-trust and self-worth that it halfway believes that it will literally fall apart without that alcoholic. (I go more into this in the chapter called "the irregular behavior of the alcoholic keeps us attached" in the "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book.

This resultant hooking-attachment that occurs is SO strong that it baffles even counselors at battered women's shelters. There is often a huge turnover in personnel at those shelters because they feel so frustrated at why these women go back to abusers.

What is not understood is that when counselors keep asking, "WHY do you stay?!" -- it only adds shame. Shame because the spouse of course knows that "taking it" is awful-----but she cannot leave. And shame does not make one be able to leave the marriage...... it only means she'll leave the counseling. And what the simplistic admonition to "leave the codependent relationship" also does not take into account is what Al-Anon, that God-given program, has always known------ that many marriages that seemed awful can be saved when one person changes. It does not always take two. One person changing his or her behavior can change the entire outlook of the family.

There seems to be two diametrically-opposed "poles" out there, now --- two theoretical concepts that still keep drumming on the families of alcoholics ---- specifically on the spouses -----

a.) that if one is "strong", one does not stay with someone who is emotionally abusive

b.) that if one is truly Christian, one stays with your spouse..... learns communications skills, learns the marriage skills based on true religion that will work to make the marriage successful. When I wrote the first volume of "Getting Them Sober" in the late 1970's that was later published in 1980, I wrote this in the introduction: "This book won't tell you, perhaps like a well-meaning friend might do, to "throw the bum out". Only you know what you can live with and what you cannot live with. On the other hand, I know you don't need any more outsiders telling you to "stop attacking the poor guy"."

Not much has changed, has it?

The point is, what DOES work in helping families of alcoholics to heal is to accept them EXACTLY where they are....... not play God and tell them they should leave OR stay in marriages...... assume they are adults and have the God-given right and dignity to make their own decisions.... and gently help them untangle the huge ball of tangled string of issues at their own pace, in their own time.

Very few people "move" out of any dysfunctional situation if they are shamed for staying. And constantly telling someone that they shouldn't "be taking it anymore" is an IMPLIED shaming. What DOES work? When I am counseling, I stress --

a.) you must, to the best of your ability, not minimize what is going on.

b.) you must, to the best of your ability, not shame yourself for not being able to move in any direction, take any steps, as quickly as you think you should -- or even at all.

c.) you must at least try Al-Anon for 8 meetings..... precisely because it is a spiritual program, when we start to say no to the littlest thing where we did not do so before, an irrational unconscious guilt sets in and that guilt is a real kicker! What saying no even a little bit does to MOST of us spouses of alcoholics is set off guilt ------ so then we try to "make up to the alcoholic" for "being so mean" as to say no, for the first time. We usually do not even know we are having this reaction-response --- we think we are punishing them when we start to say "no" with even a smidgeon of anger in our voices. But when we find a Higher Power that is gentle with us, we get a kind of spiritual "permission" to say no to those things that we used to put up with. Why is that important? Because most of us families of alcoholics have been so beaten down that we need that spiritual permission to allow us to feel like we have the right to ANY dignity without guilt.

d.) When we allow ourselves the TOTAL freedom to stay OR to leave, we then don't feel scared to look at what is really going on...... there's no pressure..... there's no shame........ we're not frozen with terror, just thinking about "having to leave". We know that we have the right to stay or leave or stay and leave and stay and leave again.......... and when we know that no one is making us feel ashamed or wrong for staying, and if we stay honest with ourselves about the situation, we heal much quicker!

e.) And as Al-Anon so wisely knows------ there are a lot of us who will become emotionally stronger IN that marriage and that strengthening may very well create a dynamic that can eventually result in a total healing of the family. But we cannot discover what is TRULY an authentic choice for ourselves unless we listen to only our inner voices, in our own time, in our own way. Years ago, in my counseling practice, I worked closely with Dr. Max Weisman....many of you will remember his name. He died a few years ago.... he was a real pioneer in this field, a psychiatrist who, decades ago, started a subcommittee on alcoholism in the American Medical Association. He spent summers in Russia and Eastern Europe, training other psychiatrists on how to adapt the 12-step programs in their countries that were essentially atheist in philosophy.... and he succeeded in helping them make that bridge for healing. I remember him telling me that this field was the only one that he knew of that produced counselors who had the arrogance to tell people that they should break up their marriages. For about twenty years, now, there have been groups that have decried Al-Anon for spawning severe codependence...... and they have gotten followers. For the most part, these followers have been folks who, when you meet them, seem to be pretty strong people. But many of them only became strong after years in gentle groups like Al-Anon, that accepted them for what they were, that offered nothing but kindness and non-shaming help........ and I wonder if most of these now-strong people could have gotten to where they are now, if they had been made to feel so shamed "for staying in an emotionally abusive marriage" when they first walked into the rooms of Al-Anon -- terrified and unable to make a move? One also hears from these groups that decry Al-Anon, that Al-Anon "is good for awhile, but it keeps people in codependent dead-end marriages". What they are saying is that after a while----- say, after a year or two----- one "should be able to get on with one's life" and leave a marriage where the alcoholic is still drinking. This is just another variation on the same theme as I spoke of above, but this time, allows the spouse of the alcoholic a little slack -------- allows her/him to have a little time to "be codependent" and then says to her/him, "ok, get on with it..... time to leave".

f.) In my thirty-plus years of working in this field, training counselors, counseling families, I have found that helping families pull apart that big ball of wax of tangled threads----- the threads that are the lies the disease has made us believe ----- and helping the families see them in the light of day ------- helps to actually MELT the fears of the families..... and when those fears are melted........ and when, at the same time, I do not shame them and terrorize them into thinking that they must make moves that they either are not ready for OR THAT THEY SHOULD PROBABLY NOT EVER DO BECAUSE IT IS NOT GOOD FOR THEM FOR SOME REASON THAT I DON'T KNOW AND THAT THEY PROBABLY DO NOT KNOW AT THE TIME I AM COUNSELING THEM ----------- only then do they relax enough to trust enough to "turn it over" and learn, INTERNALLY, what is good for them.

C.) There is yet another "buzz word" that is taught to alcoholism counselors today. That buzz-word is "triggers"-----as in, "these are the 'triggers' that get you to drink again". And among those so-called 'triggers" is oft-said to the alcoholic in treatment------- "your spouse is one of your main triggers to drinking again".

Years ago, the counselors in alcoholism treatment centers were almost all recovering alcoholics who were sober a long time, and who never counseled patients that there were "triggers" to get them drunk. Those counselors used the A.A. methods of telling them that "nothing can get you drunk".

And back then, the recovery rate was often well over 90% in those treatment centers.

But in the last number of years, many------not all, thank goodness------ treatment centers are hiring more ACOA mental-health practitioners than recovering alcoholics.......... ACOA's who don't really know squat about how this disease REALLY works......and who give this mental-health-approach message to the alcoholic, rather than use the A.A. approach about how to stay sober. Millions of alcoholics who are sober in A.A. now-----would often not be sober------if they were told that there are 'triggers' that get them drunk------- rather than 'NOTHING can get you drunk!" (one of the most hopeful and effective things that recovering alcoholic oldtimers tell newcomers in A.A.).

This 'trigger stuff' opens the door to the newly-sober alcoholic to have yet another excuse to get drunk again. One often hears in A.A. meetings, these days, from alcoholics who had a little bit of time sober-------but who "went back out there again", that "I wouldn't have gone out there again if I hadn't been enabled-------- and my wife is my trigger to it all!"

In this "one-stop-blame-station"------- the adult child of an alcoholic who is now an alcoholism counselor, but who has not faced or worked on her issues of still being angry at her non-addicted parent----- gets to blame the non-addicted spouse of the alcoholic in treatment in two ways-------- The spouse gets to be the bad guy that "enabled" the drinking------ and then when the alcoholic gets out of treatment, if he stays around the spouse at all------- she's again at fault for just being there in the marriage. Sucker-punch the spouse of the alcoholic twice. All because of un-treated issues from counselors still enraged at her own mom.

D.) When I'm training counselors, I find that the therapists who resonate the most with wanting to change what they've been taught-------i.e., are wanting and willing to be kinder in their language when speaking to the families------are themselves, married to or partners with, active alcoholics//addicts. Or, they have been in that type of relationship, even if they are no longer there.

They know, first-hand, what it feels like to "go to counseling' and be emotionally attacked and put in no-wins by counselors------ and believe me, it does not seem to mean a bit of difference------- if they themselves are counselors or not.

When I've gotten calls for telephone counseling from mental-health professionals who are calling for counseling for themselves because they are married to alcoholics------ they invariably tell me that they get told the same junk -----even if they themselves have done interventions and NOT rescued the alcoholic.

What happens, all too often, during many 'family day' times at inpatient treatment centers?

Some treatment centers, of course, are terrific on family day------ but many of them, today, practice that subtle (or not-so-subtle) attacking the families while the family members are visiting the alcoholic.

Today, one often finds that the family member goes to the 'family day' and almost immediately gets told she has "been an enabler". Then she goes into a small group with the family, the alcoholic, and the counselor------ and often is told that she is "a trigger" to his wanting to drink again.

When she leaves the family-day, she often needs to go to an Al-Anon meeting to recover from the family-day at the treatment center.

And, as I said, counselors who are married to alcoholics, get treated the same way........attacked for 'being enablers' ------- even if they performed the intervention itself to make him get help!

It's as though the 'script" against the family "gets read"-------like reading the Riot Act------- no matter what the actions have been of the family member.

This usually occurs with the counselor never having taken a full history from the family member. .......the only 'history' of the family having been recounted to the counselor by the patient-alcoholic whose brain is still toxic. (He may be weeks without any alcohol and drugs------- but that's only a bare beginning on getting the toxicity out of his brain and central-nervous system........which means that his judgment, his perceptions about life, are still 99% skewed from the toxicity.)

And even if the counselor takes the time to take a full family history from the family member, the counselor often does not understand why the family has rescued.

Does not understand that the spouse rescued the alcoholic because of fears of losing the alcoholic's love.

The counselor usually just has the pre-conceived view that the spouse is "controlling" -------and that that is why any rescue operations occurred.

The counselor almost never sees the truth------that the one who is controlled is the spouse-------- doing anything to please the tin-god alcoholic even when his demands are usually nuts.

The spouse spends so much of her/his time trying to please the alcoholic so that there might be some time of sobriety------and so that the alcoholic might act halfway decent that day to her and the children.

Not much to ask....... and as the disease progresses, not much of that happens. But------ it's the impetus behind almost all the rescue operations.

A terrified spouse-------- rescuer------- who just will do anything that the alcoholic demands in hopes of pleasing him enough that he'll be nice to his family for the day.

That's the big "controlling" ---"enabler" ---"trigger" ----that the counselor sees in front of her.

What a nutty situation in many (thank God, not all) treatment centers' "family day"........

The still-toxic alcoholic whose "view" and "opinion on the family" is taken seriously by the counselor who's usually an un-treated adult child of an alcoholic.......... colluding with the alcoholic in crazymaking attacks on the spouse.

Good luck when you visit your spouses in the treatment centers. A good idea would be to print-out lots of copies of this "Recovery Tip of the Month"------and take it with you.........and give it out to ALL the family members there!

'Forewarned' is important to maintaining one's sanity against onslaughts of colluding and crazymaking.

May, 2009, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

WHY does the alcoholic say such awful things?

The left-frontal lobe of the brain is euphemistically called "the executive decision maker". That means------- its function is to 'take in' (i.e., process) all that one sees and hears in the world------ and then to 'make sense of it'------and then to decide how one will respond to all that input.

******* With alcoholism------- that left-frontal-lobe is TOXIC. And STAYS toxic ---even if there are 'dry' periods for days//weeks//months without ANY alcohol. It takes up to three years of CONTINUOUS abstinence from alcohol for the brain and central-nervous system to be clear of the stored-up alcohol.

So----------Al-Anon's admonition that "when he says that awful stuff, it's the booze talking"--------- is scientifically correct.

It's not about what the family member is doing or saying...........it's the booze that's making him crazy.

April, 2009, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

"Acceptance" starts with acceptance OURSELVES ........ AS WE ARE.

Not beating oneself up, emotionally, because "I'm not at another place emotionally, even though one can have "years of attending Al-Anon."

We are human beings, for goodness sakes!

*** And the paradox is------ the more we truly, deep down, ALLOW ourselves to be whatever we are, with all our "flaws"------- the easier it is to heal.

For, it's the shame about our "flawed-ness" that makes a totally un-necessary boulder in the path of our healing.

And more subtly------ most of us mistakenly see "ourselves being flawed" when we react------- i.e., flinch ---- when the alcoholic has "done it again"------or is about to do it again.

*** But the reality is, we KNOW------- we have 'radar' too------- we often CAN 'read them'----- and all that comes from our history of being emotionally abused by them.

God, I believe, gives us that 'sensitivity'------ those antenna that start to quiver when we're about to get abused again.

It's like the Army's "early warning" system.

** But this 'early warning system'-------this uncomfortableness when we sense the junk again-------is NOT that "we're not working our program of family recovery'.

*** We often think that if we're 'working our healing program of recovery', then we won't feel bad when he's acting up------or about to act up again.

I think that, instead, we need to pay attention to our body/mind/spirit telling us that there is some kind of junk ahead or in front or behind us.....and HEED those signals.

And not minimize them.

And not minimizing them IS a large part of the healing

March, 2009, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

A.) If I were writing a sequel to "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" (which is mostly all about the hidden issues with separations/divorce)------ I'd have a chapter called "Get out the violins!"

What would it be about?

It would have the verbal sentences in it that most (not all---but most) still-drinking alcoholics say when they are in the "flip" stage of the "flip flop" stages of separations/divorce------

what do I mean by flip-flop stages?

here's the 'flip' stage---------

Most of them go back and forth between "Oh, I've never been good enough for you"....... "you deserve someone sooooooo much better than I could ever be for you"....... "I hope you can find it in your heart to someday forgive me for all the awful unspeakable things I've done to you"...... "you're so beautiful but I can't stay...... you're too good for me!" .... "how can someone like you ever have picked someone as terrible as I am"......."you'll never find anyone who loves you as much as I do!'....... "YOU ARE SUCH A GOOD WOMAN!!"....."and I never deserved you.........".........

scene one------walk away, hangdog look....... (get out the violins)

------- and then------- we go to the 'flop' stage------

"You bitch!!"...... "Damn right I got a good attorney! And he's NOT going to let you put me through the wringer!" "I've been sober 4 months------- and you STILL don't trust me!"...... "My attorney says that you had just as much a part in the dissolution of this marriage as I did!" ...... "And so does my counselor think so!"

(p.s........ Let's hope that most of you do not have an alcoholic who acts like this. But even if one believes that the alcoholic who promises to behave decently throughout a divorce, will do so-------- it is important to remember that the alcoholic, despite good intentions, even------- will, with the next drink, often behave contrary to promises and expectations that they promulgated. Why? Because the brain toxicity that results from the active alcoholic drinking, often produces behavior that is worse than promised, because the disease is progressive. And when the divorce (which often actually occurs many months/years after proceedings start) is finalized, the disease has gotten worse, and the behavior follows suit.

And-----alcoholism CAUSES alcoholics to act selfishly and self-centeredly----- (one can read about this in the A.A. Big Book itself)----- and even when not wanting to act awful, the alcoholic often winds up acting selfishly in this arena, also. Even when promises have been made to the contrary.

Blame it on the alcoholism.....because that is the origin of the selfishness.

But don't get angry with yourself for being angry at the person/alcoholic. You are only human.

And when you are socked in the stomach, it hurts.

****** P.S....... Even if your alcoholic acts nice during divorce time, it is very good to keep in mind the possibility of it going sour.

Why? Because then, you won't have let your guard down--- and you will be "en garde" enough to have a good sharp attorney in mind, should you need one at a last minute's notice.

B.) But----- WHY can't we just enjoy the 'good stuff'? Why 'make fun' of it when he says the stuff when he's in the "flip" mode? Even though we know the "flop' mode follows soon after----- why not just forget it for awhile and immerse oneself in the good stuff coming out his mouth?

This is a tricky business, this immersing oneself into almost-a-forgetfulness about the abuse that's right around the corner, to happen again and again, in-between the 'nice stuff'.

For most of us-------not all, but for most of us----- it is jarring, a living a life of terrible ups and downs, a roller-coaster existence------if we immerse ourselves in the good stuff when nothing has changed......when there is no sobriety and recovery.

In a way, it's easier on us when we don't live with them...when we're separated........although it can be awful in that situation, too, of course. But when we're sharing the same household, and we have to work very hard-----use a lot of energy on a daily basis------to get away from his mouth when he's in the "flop" awful mode------ when he follows us around and doesn't stop even when we're in the bathroom------ what makes it all worse is if we've just recently 'taken our guard down' and immersed ourselves in the good stuff, just days or hours before the junk-mouth started again. It's awful to go from that 'high' of his good stuff, to 'this stuff' again. ******* For as much as we tell ourselves we're not doing it------ immersing ourselves in the good stuff to the point of totally blocking out the bad stuff DOES increase our expectation that the good stuff will continue and not be as bad. And that expectation, when it's dashed to the ground again, is devastating.

For, we are not robots! When we allow ourselves to 'forget' the bad that is sure to come----- we who love so easily and so much and so deeply------ we fall so deeply into that hole again and get devastated feeling and depressed MORE if we have allowed ourselves to forget what is coming.

C.) NOW------- this does not mean that we need to not enjoy the good times with them (if there are any left)! It DOES mean that we each need (according to our individual situations) to find that flexible middle ground ------that "dance", so to speak------ where we are both enjoying "today" (this minute) and yet keeping one piece of ourselves out of the situation for emotional self-protection.

Yes, this is hard--------but it is much easier than it would be if we don't put that dollop of self-protection in there when he's being nice!

Now, some of us may want to say, "I don't care! I"m just going to enjoy the good stuff and not think about "the future"." Well, that works for some people, of course.......but for most families of alcoholics that I have counseled over the years, they do much better when the 'stuff' hits the fan again, if they have kept one piece of their emotional selves separate and in protective custody of YOU!

D.) In the "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book, there is one chapter that is all about more ways to detach. And one of them talks just about this situation------ it recommends that we, in our mind's eye, draw a big circle on the ground, and put on foot in the circle and one foot outside the circle......and the foot outside the circle is out there, unable to be slammed again because it's a very wary foot.

**** Along these lines, here is an excerpted chapter from the "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book----

Chapter 22: "When I See My Alcoholic Husband, and He's Nice to Me, I Get Upset!"

Dana hails from Minnesota. She lives there, again, after separating from her alcoholic husband, Ned. Dana moved back to her home state with her two children. She's going through a messy divorce and trying to keep an emotional distance from Ned.

It's even more difficult because when the two of them do have to talk, Ned is usually vicious.

But Dana feels particularly overwhelmed when he is nice to her: "When the lawn mower broke, Ned offered to bring me his, when he brought the children back from their weekend with him. It sounds crazy, but that got me more upset than anything! Why am I like that? Why shouldn't I be happy when he's nice to me, for a change?!"

* * *

I don't believe there's anything wrong with Dana. I think that she is responding in a very self-protective way, when she doesn't trust his being nice to her.

Why?

a) The "good" stuff can be as manipulative at least as "hooking" as the "bad" stuff. Spouses of alcoholics are very often all-or-nothing people. They believe that if it's like it is now, it will always be.

So, if he's nice now, we think he'll always be.

And where does that kind of thinking lead to? It leads to believing that he's really a wonderful guy, if he lent you that mower.

We forget the facts of the entire picture.

We forget that of course he'll be nice some of the time.

No one is not-nice all the time.

b) When he acts rotten, he's straight-out with it. You don't have to look "over your shoulder" to see the "zinger" that's going to come at you.

So, if he's nice, you naturally become wary. You've been through this one before! Watch out for the next time.

c) You realize that if you are wary, he'll notice it, and point it out, and call you crazy for not being happy that he's being nice to you. "What's the matter with you, now?" he yells at you. He loves to act nice and put you on your guard, so that you'll look over-reactive when you're wary.

d) When you forget the facts, you might partially agree with him that there's something wrong with you because you can't be happy that he's nice to you.

If this happens, remind yourself that this is, once again, the alcoholism rearing its ugly head. You are not overreacting.

* * *

If you're worried that "his friends" may think you're nuts for being wary of a nice-acting man: just think of all the bars in the world with a bunch of alcoholics in there, all complaining (to other drinking alcoholics) about their "paranoid wives."

So a motley crew of people whose brains are soaked with alcohol say to each other that you're one of those wives who's "off" for not putting up with their behavior.

Think about it.

February, 2009, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

Lord, do we ever struggle with trying to get EXACTLY the right answer before we feel the RIGHT to do whatever.

And so often.... there is a more-right answer for us..... but we don't feel like we have "spiritual permission" to act on it.

Whether it's to leave an alcoholic who is abusive..... or to leave for a little while.....or longer..... in another house but not actually "be separated for real".........or whatever creative option that we can find to help us find breathing room to live as God's children that we were created to be.

Often, because we feel irrationally-guilty...... or feel scared......or feel doubt..... or feel "this is not totally right"...... we feel immobile.......frozen.

What helps, I find, is to remember that "even the Saints had doubts".

And that often, the "right answer" for this moment, this day, is the "the better answer".......not "the perfect" answer.......but the better one, even if by a small amount.

Only God can know the truly perfect action to take at all times.

But that's why we humans have erasers on pencils, isn't it.

p.s........ one of the "issues' that most of us who are from alcoholic families have, is "perfectionism"......i.e., expecting OURSELVES to be perfect in all decisions! ........now, "they" don't have to be perfect in our eyes, do they?! But we often feel that WE sure have to be!.......even if we only think it sub-consciously--------it's sure an 'issue' with us.

January, 2009, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

These are two excerpted chapters from the "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book (which is about the hidden issues when there are separations//divorce in families with alcoholism)

Chapter 19:

"But He Looks So Good Since We're Separated Maybe He's Not an Alcoholic?"

If the alcoholic "looks good" it doesn't mean he or she isn't alcoholic! "Looking good" is a stage of the disease.

* * *

When an alcoholic or other-drug addict reaches a later stage of addiction, he or she needs alcohol or other drugs to seem normal. Their bodies are so sickened from the toxicity that they need a certain level of drug in them to not go into severe withdrawal.

When they get that level of alcohol or pills into them they seem "calm" and "functional."

But, they can't stay that way for long.

For, after they drank or pilled enough to satiate the biochemical need for the drug, the calming and supposedly "normalizing" effect begins to wear off.

The withdrawal sets in, and it gives off an anxiety-producing after-effect that lasts longer than did the original anxiety.

As the disease progresses, the calming periods get harder to attain, and the anxiety and/or depressed moods get more difficult to shake.

This cycle continues until sobriety . . . the only way to end the merry-go-round.

* * *

So don't confuse a seeming "calm" with thinking there's not an addiction. It's just a stage of the disease.

Chapter 20:

"But He's Drinking Less Since We Separated. Can He Be Getting Better?"

Jan calls me every other week for counseling. She lives in Idaho, and is separated from her husband, Karl. Jan lives in a small town where she can't help but see her husband or hear about him from others. He picks up the kids every other weekend and keeps them until Sunday evening.

Jan has a part-time job as an accountant. She keeps a spotless house and makes all her children's clothing, as well as much of her own. She's a rational woman . . . until he shows up.

Lately, Karl's litany is to keep telling her that he "is controlling his drinking just fine." That he "isn't an alcoholic, like she always thought."

Jan tells me "how well he seems to be doing" and then tells me that he is doing bizarre things in his apartment, like putting dirty ornaments from the yard on the coffee table and thinking they look good. (This is a man who used to be impeccable.)

She insists that he must be better, since he told her so. But, then she adds, in an "oh, by the way" manner: "Oh, he just got out of the hospital. His pancreas is acting up again."

* * *

Denial in the entire family is multi-layered, deep, and subtle. Jan, even though she knew the facts, did not really "hear" when she heard that his pancreas was affected. Jan knew that that was a sign of his progressing alcoholism, but because she lived with Karl's telling her for years that "she was over-reactive," she tended to doubt herself. She believed that Karl was really getting better.

* * *

What is the truth?

Alcoholism develops in stages. In the first stage, the alcoholic usually has a higher tolerance for alcohol than do other human beings. He or she can drink more and "hold their liquor."

In the next stage, the alcoholic usually can get as toxic from the alcohol as before, while drinking less of it. It just doesn't take as much booze to get sick.

Round-the-clock maintenance drinking doesn't usually occur until the last stages of the disease. So, if your alcoholic husband or wife isn't drinking all the time and therefore seemingly sometimes "controls" it it's because he or she has not yet reached that later stage of the disease.

* * *

If you find yourself in denial, note it. Make a "Denial" notebook. Write down your patterns in this area. The process of writing them down will enhance your awareness of them when they pop up again. You will be well on your way to recovery when you stay aware of your patterns.

December, 2008, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

hi, everyone.....

a. A person posted a question on the discussion bulletin board, on this website, that asked how 'her husband can have been drinking when he was young, and not become an alcoholic at that time, and then have an alcohol problem many years later?"

I copied and pasted my reply to that baffling question, here, because it's such a frequently-occuring issue in families-------especially, since as the NIH (National Institutes of Health) state, "50% of American families have at least one or two active alcoholics in them".

A. My suggestion is to read all the "Recovery Tips of the Month" on this website, and also all the excerpted book chapters in the section called "DOZENS of GTS excerpted book chapters"..... in all that (free to read), the multifold answers to this question are there.

B. In a nutshell, there is no one straight line to addiction. Sometimes, youngsters get addicted when they have their first drink at the age of 8 years old. Some people drink and seem 'normal' for many years-------only to have the addiction 'take off running' at the age of 70.

It's no different from other diseases, in that respect. Some people "do as they like" for decades, and then get diabetes at age 80. Some get diabetes at the age of 42.......etc etc

C. And in the early stages of alcohol addiction------almost NO ONE recognizes it as alcoholism. Families see the alcoholic as "a person with problems'------ often, that person "needs to see a therapist" for their "relationship issues" or their having "job problems" or they "have touchiness" (snap at others quickly) or etc etc. Even many therapists have early-stage alcoholics in their caseload and don't know they are alcoholic. Part of that problem, of course, is that alcoholics LIE ABOUT THEIR DRINKING! Even in early stage alcoholism----- when the alcoholic sees his/her drinking as "just increasing a wee bit"----------does anyone really think that most alcoholics tell others about that?!

Heck, they try to not even tell themselves that!

It scares them. But they almost never tell anyone else.

Nor, do they 'share' that they are then starting to try to control their drinking-------- a SURE sign of alcoholism. (Non-alcoholics drink sooooo infrequently that they don't have anything to try to 'control".)

How do alcoholics in earlier-stage alcoholism start to try to control their drinking? some ways are-----

1. they get their drinks in larger containers, so that they can tell themselves and others, that they "are still just having one or two"

2. they "time" themselves.........if they never drank before 6 pm., and now they are getting to want to drink before that------or starting to watch the clock for 6 pm to roll around------- they "joke" and tell themselves that "it's 6 p.m. "somewhere else in the world" when it's really 5 or 4 p.m. where they live.

3. they start to hang around with others who drink more than they do------so they can say to themselves, "if I get as bad as Joe or Linda, then I can think about getting help".

4. they try lighter drinks..... or 'cut down on the beer' by having "only 3 beers".......and then 'chase it' with a whiskey ...... ignoring the total picture

5. they tell themselves "I'm too young to become an alcoholic"......."I'll do something about the drinking when I'm twenty years older"

6. she tells herself, "I only drink wine....... now, I LOVE my wine...... but it's such a 'cultural' thing........"heck, if I were in France, every family would be drinking more wine per day than I do!"

(She does not know ------nor do most people------that for decades, France has had the highest death rate from cirrhosis of the liver in the world........... so much for 'cultural' drinking).

C. When we grow up in families with alcoholism, denial is built-into us without our even knowing it. What seems "normal"--------including what seems like "normal' drinking-----is SOOOO skewed!

A friend of mine told me years ago, that he went to his fiance's house to meet her family for the first time. At the large dinner gathering, her mother literally fell into her soup bowl. Now, her head was sideways, so she could not stop breathing, but she was drunk.

The entire table just kept on eating. No one said or did anything. He whispered to his fiance------- "your mother's in the soup!"

She answered without batting an eyelash, "I know".