"December, 2008, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

hi, everyone.....

a. A person posted a question on the discussion bulletin board, on this website, that asked how 'her husband can have been drinking when he was young, and not become an alcoholic at that time, and then have an alcohol problem many years later?"

I copied and pasted my reply to that baffling question, here, because it's such a frequently-occuring issue in families-------especially, since as the NIH (National Institutes of Health) state, "50% of American families have at least one or two active alcoholics in them".

A. My suggestion is to read all the "Recovery Tips of the Month" on this website, and also all the excerpted book chapters in the section called "DOZENS of GTS excerpted book chapters"..... in all that (free to read), the multifold answers to this question are there.

B. In a nutshell, there is no one straight line to addiction. Sometimes, youngsters get addicted when they have their first drink at the age of 8 years old. Some people drink and seem 'normal' for many years-------only to have the addiction 'take off running' at the age of 70.

It's no different from other diseases, in that respect. Some people "do as they like" for decades, and then get diabetes at age 80. Some get diabetes at the age of 42.......etc etc

C. And in the early stages of alcohol addiction------almost NO ONE recognizes it as alcoholism. Families see the alcoholic as "a person with problems'------ often, that person "needs to see a therapist" for their "relationship issues" or their having "job problems" or they "have touchiness" (snap at others quickly) or etc etc. Even many therapists have early-stage alcoholics in their caseload and don't know they are alcoholic. Part of that problem, of course, is that alcoholics LIE ABOUT THEIR DRINKING! Even in early stage alcoholism----- when the alcoholic sees his/her drinking as "just increasing a wee bit"----------does anyone really think that most alcoholics tell others about that?!

Heck, they try to not even tell themselves that!

It scares them. But they almost never tell anyone else.

Nor, do they 'share' that they are then starting to try to control their drinking-------- a SURE sign of alcoholism. (Non-alcoholics drink sooooo infrequently that they don't have anything to try to 'control".)

How do alcoholics in earlier-stage alcoholism start to try to control their drinking? some ways are-----

1. they get their drinks in larger containers, so that they can tell themselves and others, that they "are still just having one or two"

2. they "time" themselves.........if they never drank before 6 pm., and now they are getting to want to drink before that------or starting to watch the clock for 6 pm to roll around------- they "joke" and tell themselves that "it's 6 p.m. "somewhere else in the world" when it's really 5 or 4 p.m. where they live.

3. they start to hang around with others who drink more than they do------so they can say to themselves, "if I get as bad as Joe or Linda, then I can think about getting help".

4. they try lighter drinks..... or 'cut down on the beer' by having "only 3 beers".......and then 'chase it' with a whiskey ...... ignoring the total picture

5. they tell themselves "I'm too young to become an alcoholic"......."I'll do something about the drinking when I'm twenty years older"

6. she tells herself, "I only drink wine....... now, I LOVE my wine...... but it's such a 'cultural' thing........"heck, if I were in France, every family would be drinking more wine per day than I do!"

(She does not know ------nor do most people------that for decades, France has had the highest death rate from cirrhosis of the liver in the world........... so much for 'cultural' drinking).

C. When we grow up in families with alcoholism, denial is built-into us without our even knowing it. What seems "normal"--------including what seems like "normal' drinking-----is SOOOO skewed!

A friend of mine told me years ago, that he went to his fiance's house to meet her family for the first time. At the large dinner gathering, her mother literally fell into her soup bowl. Now, her head was sideways, so she could not stop breathing, but she was drunk.

The entire table just kept on eating. No one said or did anything. He whispered to his fiance------- "your mother's in the soup!"

She answered without batting an eyelash, "I know".

"November, 2008, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

(This is a copy of the email newsletter that I just sent out. I am making it into a "Recovery Tip of the Month" because it is such a critical issue that is not talked about much, in alcoholic families------and much more treatable than most people think).

A.) There was a posting on the bulletin board on the www.GettingThemSober.com website that asked a critical question------ "what happens if the non-addicted spouse stops rescuing the alcoholic from the consequences of his disease, and therefore gives the disease back to him, so that he feels the pain and has a better chance to choose sobriety--------but his parents continue to rescue him from all his scrapes?"

What can help this situation?

This often helps many families---

When I am counseling by long-distance telephone, and if there is a situation where the in-laws are rescuing the alcoholic even when the spouse has stopped----- IF the in-laws (or at least one of them) is friendly with the spouse---- there is certainly an opening to change things.

Why? Because if the parent(s) of the alcoholic (the in-laws) are reluctant to stop rescuing the alcoholic, it is usually (not always, but usually) because

a. one or both of them are alcoholic, too-----in that case, they are not just "his family"------but they are also (and more important) his "drinking buddies' (even if they don't actually drink WITH him, they are cohorts in the active alcoholism and will protect each other's continued drinking).

and/or b. one or both of them are feeling the parental guilt of "not helping the poor alcoholic son" if they are asked to stop the rescuing. This is UNDERSTANDABLE. Parent-child relationships are much more guilt-producing than spousal relationships.

That is why I wrote, "Getting Your Children Sober"--------for those parents. That book helps parents of adult children who are alcoholic------not just parents of teens who are alcoholic.

I wrote it because all the other books out there for the parent, admonish them for "being enablers' -------and therefore drive them FURTHER into rescuing because it is an attacking term.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
**** I've noticed that when the non-addicted partner herself is rescuing, she is appreciative and open when I explain that she is not "an enabler". She responds with appropriate openness and learns to gradually stop the rescuing.

BUT------- when she is UNDERSTANDABLY frustrated by the in-laws' continued rescuing------she is UNDERSTANDABLY so angry (underneath it all----even if she can't admit how much anger she really feels, even to herself)-------that she wants to call the in-laws "enablers' even though she knows that it will not help------ because she WANTS TO emotionally attack them (i.e., punish them) for "helping her husband stay sick".

It is all SUCH tangled mess when this all happens.

It is so difficult------but often so productive------when the non-addicted spouse can step outside herself and be as gentle with the in-laws rescuing attempts as she would like someone else to be with her own rescuing attempts when she was still doing them. It is not effective to do otherwise.

Now------- if she cannot do so because "they still would not change"----- that is when counseling often helps--------IF the in-laws are somewhat close to her, too........if there is still a friendly relationship with the in-laws.

But the counseling HAS to be based on a "don't call them enablers" situation--------or the in-laws will leave the counseling and not get help again, probably.

(When I am counseling the in-laws, too, by phone, I usually can make inroads to helping them gently dis-entangle their rescuing efforts. It is a matter of my intuitively questioning them as to all the tentacles of fears//rescuing patterns, and helping them to let go of them very gently.)

Now-------when there is not a chance-in-heck that the in-laws will even listen to ANY changes (like, if they drink alcoholically, too)-------then it is usually a matter of "stop beating your head against a brick wall".......and turn it over like you need to do with your alcoholic spouse.

For-------- when we despair, we are forgetting one very important thing------ we forget that-----

a. things change quickly in alcoholism! What can be hopeless-seeming one day, often turns quickly into those alcoholics "turning against each other" and an opening into a possible intervention that did not exist before

b. alcoholic parents often "die off". It is awful, but that is what happens. And when the elderly alcoholic parent who is rescuing a son who is our alcoholic spouse, things often change. (Sounds awful to say out loud, but the facts of alcoholism are awful).

c. Most important------- we DO NOT know the future. God often "does for us what we cannot do for ourselves."

Just because our alcoholic spouse is not 'reachable" at the present moment----- and has parents who coninually rescue his alcoholism------ does NOT mean that this is 'over'.

If there is anything I've learned about alcoholism-------is that the unexpected does happen-------- often, after I've ENTIRELY let go of what I cannot change.

And if I am continually telling myself the negative answer-------that "nothing will ever get better"------- it does NOT mean that I am right! It just means that I have a narrow view of the world.

(The analogy would be when someone is thinking of 'dating again' after divorcing and alcoholic and tells me that "all the guys out there are alcoholic'.......... I remind her that around 1/3 are-------but that 2/3 are not.
When she insists on "it's all of them" even though the FACTS are not agreeing----- I let her know her statement is based on fear, not fact. And that the statement has 100% more to do with how much she feels that she will not be able to attract a "good guy-----one of the 2/3" ------ it is not based on 'what's really out there'.)

"November, 2008, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

hi, everyone....
a.) There's an incredible movie on cable-tv.... called "Ice Bound". It's the true story of a doctor at the South Pole who's the only doc there.....and she gets breast cancer while there. No other doctor to do anything about it. It's all about her to needing to do it all the procedures -- to herself.
She's got a personality that shuts others out. She finds the slightest question about her life, as intrusive.
So, on top of the terror of finding cancer....... at the South Pole..... and being the only doctor.... she is faced with her emotional demons....... her profound self-protective aloneness.

When she finally shares the news with another staff member, he tells her, "Be grateful. You get to stop running."

"You get to stop running. You get to face yourself."

You know, I think that so many of us------ especially those of us who are verbal, who share with others----- we who have lived with others' alcoholism/addiction----- have 'run' in so many ways......ways that we haven't even known about.

We run by being so busy...but a lot of us know that.
We run-in-place .......and tell ourselves so many 'reasons' why we can't move to another place. Whether that ' other place' is leaving, or whether that place is staying but willing to explore options.
It is so very difficult-------- no, it is almost impossible, many times----- to find any inner courage to make the tiniest 'move' when we feel so frozen, for so long, in place.

I love the 12 Steps of the 12-Step programs.
It does not make US responsible to "have the gumption" to make moves to better our lives.
It knows that we need to be moved...... in Step 6 and 7..... when we ask that we be moved.
When He sees fit to do so.

I believe that the God of our understandings knows way deep down how much fear we have. And how much we can take at any particular moment. And when we lament that "we haven't made any moves" and feel so like failures....maybe our God knows better than we do that we just can't take another breath blowing on us that makes us move over even a little.

I think He knows our fragility better than we do.
And that when He knows we can do it when we're better able to, and if it's right to be moved at all, it'll happen.

b.) If you are a health//mental-health professional and need CEU's (Continuing Education Units), please see that section on the www.GettingThemSober.com website. There are 4 CEU courses there, based on the "Getting Them Sober" series of books ------ all nationally-accredited by NAADAC (National Association of Alcohol and Drug Abuse Counselors) and NBCC (National Board of Certified Counselors)-- plus many Statewide accreditation agencies.

"October, 2008, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

A colleague of mine specializes in treating not alcoholics---but persons with bipolar disease. I was talking with her about helping alcoholic clients who relapse (have 'slips' and drink again), and she then spoke about the "march of the bipolars".
Asking what she meant by that, she said that at the beginning of springtime each year, many patients who have bipolar disease 'sense' the oncoming exciting Springtime//summer-------- and do not want to miss out on the 'high' they get from the onset of warmer weather----- coming out of the 'doldrums of winter'. To 'get the most of it'------ most take themselves off their medications. And boy oh boy, she said, do they ever act-out when it's spring and summer and into the Fall.
Then, when winter hits------ they come 'marching into her office'------ and tell her how depressed they are, and that they 'need their prescriptions'.
And the following Spring------- off the meds again----- and the next winter----- into the office again, for their medications. She calls it 'the march of the bipolars'.

Problem is, many of them really act-out during the time of non-compliance//no-medications//i.e., trying to run the show themselves//defiance.

And, she said, when she has patients who have a 'dual diagnosis'------ bipolar disease and alcoholism------ their defiant alcoholic nature on top of their bipolar defiance------runs rampant.
Add to that------ their often-not-wanting to really 'see' how their behavior is affecting others----- because the two side-by-side diseases really synergize (multiply) their self-centeredness------ often cause them to lose jobs (it's always "their" fault-----i.e., the boss and/or colleagues), commit crimes//get arrested, and be off-and-on chronically out-of-control. Problem is, other people see it, but the bipolar/alcoholic patient is SO self-absorbed that he does not see it because he does not WANT to see it.
It is 'too much fun' to act out and 'be wild' and "steamroller-like" with others. It gives him an albeit-temporary "high" feeling of power.

That 'high' from acting-out ----trying to rollover/scare others----- often leads right into on-the-edge behaviors...... and often into outright illegal behaviors.
And then they are indignant about others complaining and calling the police. After all, they are "having fun" and "just acting on their rights" (their imaginings that their 'rights' have precedence over what is legal).

What is so important for alcoholics who also have bipolar disease, is to educate themselves about both diseases......... so that they don't drink again, as well as learn how to (as A.A. says), "live life on life's terms".

What are the statistics?
There is usually a 75% recovery rate------that once a person reaches the rooms of A.A.------if he keeps coming back------ he has a 75% chance of staying sober.
But if he has a dual diagnosis, the recovery rate for the first year of sobriety is 40%. To 'up' that number, he must diligently attend A.A. of course------but also go to counseling for his other psychiatric disease----and stay on his medications.........no matter what the season.

If he does all that------the recovery rate, after 5 years of continuous sobriety, does increase dramatically, thank goodness.

Yes, it is a 'tougher road to hoe" (as Bill Wilson wrote in the A.A. literature) when persons have another psychiatric disorder in addition to their alcoholism----- but with humility enough to do what they are supposed to do------despite their two diseases 'telling' them to act-out with "self will run riot"------- they have a wonderful chance to live long and happy--------and most important------ be decent and kind to others.

As oldtimers in A.A. say, "the 12 steps just add up to one thing-------"Stop being a louse!"

"September, 2008, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

A. I can't count all the times over the last two decades that so many alcoholism counselors are advising their patients (who are brand-new sober in treatment), to leave their spouses for at least months ----- saying that "you can't stay sober around her' ...... that she is a "trigger for you to drink".

Of course, this is just a variation on the theme that relapse happens because of "triggers" ------ i.e., things or people or situations that 'make you drink".

What ever happened to the A.A. oldtimers' way of staying sober....... the A.A. Big Book's advice-------that NOTHING gets you drunk! That you've got to stop blaming people, places and things for "getting you drunk"!

The A.A. Big Book warned the newly-sober that one must get rid of "reservations" around drinking......i.e., the idea that "if such and such happens, then I reserve the right to drink over that".

Yes, yes------ bad things happen. "Stuff" happens in life. Spouses don't always 'act right'. Kids act out. The car gets a flat tire.

And terrible things happen.
Tornado's rip through towns. Hurricanes destroy homes.
And people feel bad, of course.
But there is nothing that a drink doesn't make worse, when one is alcoholic.

Alcoholics often want to drink when the tornado happens.
But what the drink represents is RELIEF.
And that is what going to A.A. meetings is largely about------ learning other ways (other than drinking) to get through the tough stuff.

Elementary, you say? Yes-------- but apparently not to many alcoholism counselors who reinforce the drinking-way-of-life's message that "there are triggers that can make you drink".

Not the A.A. oldtimers message of "Don't drink if your a*s falls off. And if it falls off, put it in a basket and take it to a meeting."

B.) And what about the alcoholism counselor who meets the spouse of the alcoholic for 15 minutes during family day--------- and tells her that "she is too codependent, and needs to stay away from her spouse for at least 3 (or 6) months and concentrate on codependency treatment."

This 'advice' to the spouse after meeting her/him for 15 minutes?! However, the counselor would probably counter this with, "But I've met with her husband daily since he's been in treatment! He told me the details of that marriage!"

Has this counselor ever heard of the toxic brain that results from alcoholism?! Does she know that after 28 days of sobriety ------ he is just beginning the process to clear the toxicity from the left frontal lobe of his brain?!
Does she know that it takes up to three years for the toxicity to leave-------that that process is called "the protracted withdrawal syndrome"?!
That the first year of sobriety is known for almost-totally fuzzy thinking and that in A.A., the oldtimers tell the newly-sober alcoholic that he's not to make any major decisions to change anything in his life because he's still to sick to understand and evaluate what's real and what isn't??!!

The left frontal lobe of the brain is euphemistically called the "executive decision maker". Its job is to take in data about all that is going on around the alcoholic's life--------to perceive how it affects him-------and to make decisions about what he will do based on his perceptions.
When he is actively drinking alcoholically, that left frontal lobe is toxic for years.
And it does not become 'ok' during the first 28 days of sobriety!

So---------the alcoholism counselor is basing her/his 'advice' to the newly-sober and his wife-------- based on "facts" that he gleaned from the mouth of the alcoholic in treatment for the first 28 days of not-drinking! "Facts" and perceptions of the newly-sober------ leading to 'advice' to that family about how they should go about their marriage.

Whew.

C.) Now, A.A. does tell the newly-sober to stay away from bars and "old drinking 'buddies'". But that message is a far leap------ a QUALITATIVE leap------ from the idea that the spouse "triggers" one to drink.

First of all, 'triggers' implies strongly that one is truly "in the clutches of whatever is a 'trigger'. That if you find yourself on a desert isle --surrounded for a few hours by a drinking group of people----- that you cannot get away from til the boat is sent around in little while-----that you cannot help but drink.
For that is a 'trigger' situation that you must get away from and that will 'get you' even if you did nothing to bring it on yourself.

A.A., on the other hand, as I posted above, says "don't drink if your a*s falls off......and if it falls off, put it in a basket and take it to a meeting."

For------- one day-----there very well happen that the alcoholic will inadvertently find himself in a situation or with people that he did not anticipate being with----- and the alcoholic must internalize the fact that yes, it is unfortunate......but he does NOT "have to drink over it"------that it is NOT as powerful as "a trigger"------and that 'this too shall pass" and he can pray and get through it until he can get away from it.

D.) Next-------- this 'trigger-talk' often ----nowadays ---- has deteriorated into making the "chief trigger" be the spouse of the alcoholic. Many alcoholism counselors spend more time telling the newly-sober alcoholic about how his WIFE is a 'trigger'----- which is NOT what A.A. meant when it counseled people to stay away from old drinking buddies.

The whole focus seems to have gone the path of, once again, 'blame the family'.

"August, 2008, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

Sometimes, we (without our realizing it) practice denial in such subtle ways.

Denial often occurs when we really know that we must face looking at the truth about someone ---- whether it is someone we are starting to date, or our spouses or children or grandchildren --- or whether we're just tired of looking at///seeing alcoholism// addiction and just want to tell ourselves "it really isn't happening" or "it really isn't that bad" or "I just must be over- reactive".

And, of course, the alcoholic//addict is the first one to agree with us, that we are "over-reactive" and "see alcoholism/addiction everywhere----even when it's not there".

And one of the 'sentences' that we tell ourselves in order to further the denial, is that "I just like to believe the best about everybody".

And that translates, of course, to ".......so I won't tell myself there is any addiction or alcoholism".

Of course, the underlying premise to that fallacy is that when we tell ourselves that "we're just seeing the nice about everyone" --------- is that we're not remembering that it is a disease we're talking about.

And that just because there is addiction//alcoholism------- does not mean that the person is not a nice person, a good person.

It's about an illness.........it's not about "calling them a name".

p.s....... and it feels sooooo nice to tell ourselves that 'we like to think the best about everyone'. It makes us feel sooooo virtuous. But it is sooo non-discerning! It is MATURE to DISCERN the difference between 'being nice' ------ and being naive and non-self- protective.

"July, 2008, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

a. The hundreds of practical suggestions for things to do ---- that are detailed in the "Getting Them Sober" books ----- set the tone for the alcoholic to have the best chance to choose sobriety.

****How does that process work?

The process of learning 'detachment' ------ which is learning how to get a "clinical distance" from his alcoholism ---- i.e., learning how to give the effects of his disease, a very wide berth so that WE don't feel the effects of the disease on US ----- is of course first to help the family keep//retain//re-gain its sane way of life before the alcoholism.

**** But-------it is also for the alcoholic.
When the family to learns to emotionally detach from the effects of his alcoholism---- that gives the consequences of the disease back to the alcoholic.

And then when he realizes that others-----his family----are no longer accepting the results of his disease by worrying, pleading, begging, etc.......... then he 'stands alone' with his disease.

It is then that the alcoholic has the best chance to want to get sober.
Because he-------not the family member anymore-----is feeling the full consequences of his disease. And that's when he often gets scared and surrenders to getting help.

b. I have been attending open-to-the-public meetings of Al-Anon and all the other 12-step programs for over 37 years, as a health professional. And I have personally seen countless members of Al-Anon report that THE DAY that they no longer worried about what he was going to do------the DAY that he was entirely given back his disease------he asked for help and got and stayed sober.

**** And so many times---- in the day or few days before that happened------ the spouse said, "He'll NEVER get it!"

c. What about family interventions?

99% of them only work if you have leverage.

"Leverage" means that you have something that the alcoholic wants----or does not want----- that has the power (in his mind) to make him seriously happy or unhappy-----and that you use that power//that leverage-----to give the alcoholic an ultimatum------'get sober or else'----- and if that ultimatum means enough to the alcoholic, then he gets help.

That is why successful interventions are mostly accomplished by the courts, or by the job.

Unfortunately, the family often does not have the leverage.

And------the family is usually understandably too scared to do an intervention.

******* But-------learning how to detach------ i.e., learning how to give the disease back to him-------i.e., letting him, not you, much more feel the consequences of his drinking------ doing those actions creates "mini-interventions"-----but without you having to give the alcoholic an ultimatum!

***** These daily ways we learn to 'detach'------ to get peace and let HIM suffer the consequences, not us-------- we are doing "non-ultimatum-giving MINI-INTERVENTIONS".

The "Getting Them Sober" books are full of hundreds of practical, very do-able and effective ways to do those mini-interventions-------i.e., set the tone so that we get "clinical distance" from his junk // we finally get peace -----AND at the same time, create "mini-interventions' so that the alcoholic has a better chance to choose sobriety.

d. Thousands of people write//call me and say they "did what the books said" ----and then he got sober. (I get calls from women all over the world who secretly meet in small groups to discuss the "Getting Them Sober" books, and hide them under their mattresses-------who report to me that (on an average) half of their husbands got sober within a few months. The women who contact me range everywhere from small towns in Poland -----to Washington, D.C., where women live who feel that they cannot go to Al-Anon, because of their husbands' "high profiles".)

d. *** Al-Anon talks about the "3 c's-- (Al-Anon says that 'one cannot cure, control, or cause alcoholism")--------

**** So----- how does one help the alcoholic to want to choose sobriety if one "cannot cure, control, or cause alcoholism"?

a. Alcoholism is a disease----not just "a behavioral choice". No spouse of an alcoholic can 'cure' her alcoholic's disease of alcoholism.

*** But-----the disease CAN be 'arrested' (stopped from progressing) one day at a time--- with recovery!

Can the alcoholic 'control' his drinking? No.

With every drink, the alcoholic's disease progresses forward.

But----- all that means is that he must be totally abstinent------THAT is what stops the disease in its tracks (i.e., arrests the disease's progress, one day at a time).

** The disease progresses forward no matter how much or how often the alcoholic still drinks. So-------there is no 'control' over the alcoholic's drinking...as long as he still continues to drink at all.

*** And can the spouse 'control' him to stop him from drinking?

Not 'control'------but there are sooo many things that the spouse can learn to do that are in essence, 'mini interventions' that help "box the alcoholic in"-----so that he will have the best chance to want to get help.

e. So, can alcoholism be 'cured'? No-------but it can be stopped in its tracks.
That is what sobriety is all about------ when the alcoholic gets help and stops the drinking entirely ------- the recovery begins and the healing process starts.

The recovery rate in A.A. is 75% ...the highest rate of any program .... what a huge amount of hope!

"June, 2008, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

We often believe that we can't leave a relationship or a job that is abusive because of financial reasons. But often, when those financial reasons get resolved ------ we often still cannot leave.
We're often not used to looking behind the reasons that we tell ourselves are the real reasons, for holding on to people or situations-----or things. It's often not really "denial"----- it's not that deliberate.
It's often, instead, a not-seeing-it-at-all.

When any of us has grown up in a family where the parent(s) have alcoholism or other drug problems ----- during our formative first 6 years of life----- we develop survival tactics that teach us (subconsciously) to overlook and rationalize so much in our relationships.
So much of the God-given healing in 12-step programs results from telling God and another human being the exact nature of our wrongs------- which is often our overlooking the truths about our old // inner reasons for so many of our choices in life.

"May, 2008, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

"When the alcoholic lies passed out, anesthetized, the family goes through the years of his drinking -- stark, raving sober. Their world is like no sane family's world. They believe lies, expect miracles, have him locked up, bail him out, with he were dead, and pray that he gets home safely." ------ from the introduction to the book, "Getting Them Sober, volume one"

"April, 2008, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

a. the alcoholic doesn't hear what the family SAYS -- he hears what the family DOES

b. the family often does not really 'take-in' -- i.e., internalize the PRIMARY importance of ---- what the alcoholic DOES about the important big issue (his alcoholism)------ the family, instead, focuses on/hear what he SAYS HE WILL DO about the surrounding side- show issues that FLOW FROM his basic alcoholism

c. the family's minimizing/denial ---- makes us OVERLOOK (side-step looking at) the active alcoholism ------ and instead, we LISTEN for what he SAYS (and what he SAYS he will DO) about all the surrounding-side-show issues

***** When the alcoholic gets AND STAYS sober----- ALMOST ALL those surrounding side-show issues will either disappear or diminish greatly (except if the alcoholic has serious other psychiatric issues-----but actually, only 10-15% or so, of alcoholics actually have other serious psychiatric issues. Alcoholics are often diagnosed as having those other serious psychiatric issues when they are still drinking----by health professionals who do not often realize that alcoholism often MIMICS major psychiatric issues.)

******* Without continuous-sobriety, it is almost impossible for those other side-show issues to be resolved. As Dr. Amen says in his public-television show, "change your brain//change your life"------ when he is pointing to a scan of a brain-damaged person that most often results from alcoholism or other drugs----"You can't do marital counseling with a brain like looks like that."

On the other hand------- when the alcoholic gets and STAYS sober for at least a year----- his brain scan looks sooo much better. The large craters/holes are beginning to be really smoothed out.

"March, 2008, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

We think of interventions mainly for the active alcoholic// addict.......but what about the adult children who so desperately need help for their issues of growing up in alcoholic families----- and who do not have alcoholism themselves, but who are sitting ducks for marrying//getting involved with, alcoholics//addicts----or getting into other kinds of relationships that are frought with emotional pain?

Often, we intuitively know when we are in a position to help 'nudge' them towards getting help.

a. Sometimes....not always, but sometimes....... adult children of alcoholics will go for help (Al-Anon or ACOA meetings for adult children of alcoholics)if we offer to go to a meeting (or meetings) with them. Some people just can't go first by themselves. And even if they say that they want us to always go with them, they often, after a meeting or two or three------want to go afterwards to their own meetings.

It's usually a good idea to give them plenty of space after the meetings-----i.e., when someone comes up to talk with them, just kind of sidle away and talk to others on the other side of the room...... our family members often open up more to strangers when we are not within hearing distance.

b. Oftentimes, when I am counseling a family member by long-distance telephone, it helps them a lot when the person wants me to talk with one or two of their adult children, too. Adult children often will not 'want help'------but will talk with me on the phone to "help their parent(s)"----i.e., I ask them to "give me input to better help the parent".

(I usually approach it that way------"help me help your mom/dad"----- because ACOA's want to believe that "they're past all that stuff" -----and that they "are strong' and "don't really need the help". But----they love to feel 'in charge' and that I can 'count on them' to give input that will help. And they DO give good input, often. But they don't usually realize, at first, how much it helps them to finally say the deep stuff, buried within.

Then, of course, in the process of talking, the adult child sees that it is not at all threatening to talk ----- especially on the phone when I cannot see them------it gives a degree of anonymity.
They open up more, learn more about themselves than they ever expected to happen.....and creates a more understanding, compassionate bridge with the other non-addicted family members.

*** There are always exceptions, of course------ many ACOA's love to get help------love to be of help-------and understand how to receive help for themselves and understand why it is so important. But they are not the majority of ACOA'S. Most just want to believe that if they leave home------it is "over and done with and there are no more issues for THEM-------that they are 'PAST ALL THAT STUFF'". (of course, many become nurses and other helping professionals------- 75-80% of helping professionals are untreated ACOA's. The blind leading the blind.)

"February, 2008, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

We're all trained ---by living with others' alcoholism-- to be so 'black and white' in our thinking..... rather than living more in the 'grey areas' of life.

For instance, when we have a pattern of, say, avoiding a particular task or event or person---- and when something comes up that says (legitimately) to "go there" or "be with that person"---------------and if, at the same time, we are not feeling well or have another important commitment for that time that must be attended to-------- others who know about our avoidance may 'come at us' and chide us for not showing up, yet again.

But we can act 'huffy' ------truly emphatically stating our need to keep our prior commitment........full well knowing that we secretly are happy that we cannot show up -----again-----at what we want to really avoid.

But this often 'bites us in the butt' when we really, underneath it all, know what we are doing........avoiding again. BUT------should this invite legitimate guilt?

What we are often, in these cases, not seeing is that everyone faces these dilemmas. And there are often times in life when we want to continue a certain avoidance behavior --------and if it, at times, intersects with a real need to avoid again------- it need not produce guilt for doing what we really should do, in that circumstance.

But it's good to still acknowledge the underlying issue(s) to another person and self and God------------ so that we can truly try to keep our plate clean.

And, that process does open the door a little more, to finding creative options in dealing with our old patterns that need some clearing up.

"January, 2008, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books

One of the most difficult issues for the recovering alcoholic to deal with is 'ego deflation at depth'.
The problem often begins by the alcoholic not even seeing or understanding------- the profound damage that has been, and is, done to himself-----much less his family and others----- by the self-centeredness that is brought on and magnified for years, by the active alcoholism.
This ego-centricity has been hard-wired into the brain, and does not go away easily or swiftly.
It takes consistent great effort, for years, to lessen and rid oneself of it ------- and as the A.A. Big Book says, 'trying to do "God's Will often feels like bending forged steel".

Many recovering alcoholics can posture ... do a good job presenting themselves as if they 'have it down' clearly.
But the hard work is a quiet work ------ it requires digging very deeply...... really looking inside oneself at the nooks and crannies of life's daily activities -----and seeing where one puts one's own desire to feel 'puffed up' over the needs of the others in the family.

How to know if the self-centeredness is still going on?  How to know if the family's needs are still not being considered first?
Just look at the family's faces.

If one is sober for several years......and if the spouse is still looking pretty angry...... it's probably true that not much has changed in the alcoholic's behavior....... not much other than a "lot of talk about A.A. and how it's changed his life"....... not how it's changed his behavior towards others.

Dr. Tiebout (a psychiatrist and early friend of Bill W. and Dr. Bob, the two co-founders of A.A.) was often called upon by them to talk about how exactly alcoholics could continue to stay sober.

Dr. Tiebout regularly talked about the need for the alcoholic to experience "ego deflation at depth"......and how if the alcoholic did not get rid of that self-centeredness, he was always in danger of drinking again.

So, in a profound way--------- learning how to consistently nurture the family------consistently thinking of how to put their emotional and comfort needs first--------i.e.,  learning how to INTERNALIZE the phrase that "what's good for the family is good for the alcoholic" -------- is critical to ensure lasting sobriety for the alcoholic.