Click On Button
Below for Much Help
|
RECOVERY
TIP OF THE MONTH All the following 'Recovery Tips of the Month' are copyrighted by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books |
||||
| PLEASE BOOKMARK THIS PAGE AND KEEP COMING BACK
TO THE SITE! (tell your friends too! Thanks) www.GettingThemSober.com |
|
|||
"December, 2007, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books
What's good for the family is good for the alcoholic.
How does this work?
1. The A.A. Big Book says the main problem of the alcoholic is his selfishness and self-centeredness.
It goes on to say that if the alcoholic does not rid himself of it, he is in danger of drinking again.
2. The crux of the alcoholism, is that the alcoholic and the spouse both blame the spouse.
3. The crux of the recovery for the alcoholic----is the alcoholic steps out of his self-centeredness ------and consistently nurtures the partner.
4. The crux of recovery for the partner, is he/she accepts the consistent nurturing ------- and does so without irrational guilt.
5. When this is occuring --- the family member is then healing well .....and as an organic, natural side effect, this process is helping the alcoholic in the highest sense of the word 'help''.
"November, 2007, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books
Trust and Forgiveness......two lovely terms.
But what do they really mean and imply, for families of alcoholics?
Too often, they are terms that are thrown at spouses/partners of alcoholics ---by the alcoholic -- as "you should...." when he is either/or still doing the old junk behaviors (or just did them last week) or not making amends or still drinking/drugging.
Thrown at the spouse/partner, as in -------
"WHEN are you going to trust me?! I have not had an affair for MONTHS now!"
or "I'm sober two weeks-------- stop trying to sniff my breath!"
The 'past' is only the 'past' when the alcoholic is really going to not do the awful behaviors again.
Otherwise, it is the 'present'' and quite possibly the future.
So, 'get over it' does not need to be said to the family-------it needs to be said to the alcoholic.
Ask any veterinarian ----- when one rescues a puppy, and he's been abused, it takes about a full year of consistent kind behavior from the new owner, with NO abuse of any kind-----before that puppy can relax into the new home with no 'flinching' when an arm is raised (to even pick up a magazine to read).
When the family member is still "flinching' when the alcoholic even goes to possibly looking like he is going to 'do it again'------- the alcoholic needs to look at self and remember the years of daily abuse heaped on the family------- and stop and feel the shame about even THINKING that the spouse "needs to get over it"
"Forgiveness" ------- the onus is on the alcoholic to help the spouse/partner, over time (at least many many months, and usually years) begin to heal enough from the years/ decades of abuse and neglect, in order to even begin to contemplate forgiveness. It is the height of incredible arrogance and dis-respect and lack of kindness for the alcoholic to demand it, otherwise.
And this forgiveness cannot be expected to be forthcoming until the alcoholic has totally stopped the old junk behaviors (as well as being sober and recovering, of course).
What about the "responsibility" of the spouse/partner, to forgive the alcoholic, whether or not he is behaving well and sober? After all, we hear that resentment does do us harm, when we harbor it.
a. I do not think that God is anything but love towards us. And a loving God, in my own understanding, does not look at someone that He totally loves and feels totally kindly towards, with anything but compassion, when she is unable, at that time, to forgive someone who is still -------or recently-----abusive in all the various and chameleon-like ways the alcoholic is abusive towards the family.
b. If the family member/partner of the alcoholic, allows herself the compassion she is DUE------ she will not 'get on her back' for 'not forgiving'.
She will see herself as she would see her own daughter who might be married to the same kind of guy as she is. Would she harp on her daughter to 'forgive' her alcoholic, who is acting the same as her own alcoholic acts? No, she would just ache for her daughter--------and hope that things change enough that someday, her daughter will be treated decently and well.
It would not occur to her, to think at all, that her daughter ought to concentrate on 'forgiving'. She would know, in her heart, that thinking so, would be so unkind.
c. But should we do it anyway? Should we 'forgive' when abuse is still going on, in perhaps, a different form--------but still abuse? Just to feel calmer, inside?
When we have learned enough, in rooms like Al-Anon//counseling, through all channels that teach us how to get that wonderful 'detachment' from the abuse--------- that teach us how to live by the credo, "WHAT'S GOOD FOR THE FAMILY IS GOOD FOR THE ALCOHOLIC" --------when we have internalized that phrase-------when we have learned to stop the irrational guilt that we put on ourselves, that we take on, in a heartbeat---------- THEN in an organic, really natural way-------the emotional detachment from all the tentacles of the junk behaviors really occurs.
And when the detachment occurs-----that is the SAME as 'forgiveness'.
For 'forgiveness' is just another way of not re-feeling the junk anymore.
For many of us, that means we have to leave the situation.
(As Al-Anon says, "living with an alcoholic, is too much for most of us".)
For many others of us, it means we have to find ways to stay with the alcoholic, but really 'get away' from his mouth and all the ways he can still hurt us or "pull off that scab again".
It's a creative process.......and many times, very weary-making.
But, THAT'S what we need to concentrate on---------not "how to forgive"........ for 'forgive' is often phoney when we think 'we've got it' and say we have, and we feel, instead, terrible inside (naturally!) when he "does it again".
If we have told ourselves that we "have forgiven" when we know he's going to do it again, and we "fail" to not be angry, on the inside------- then we are sitting ducks for feeling like failures re the "forgiveness" thing.
It's a no-win for us when we approach it that way.
"October, 2007, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books
In the "Getting Them Sober" books, I refer to the fact that alcoholics have "alcoholic radar"--------i.e., they KNOW when to pull out the "I love you" stuff-------or the "I can't be without you" stuff-------or the "I'll never find another GOOD WOMAN like you" stuff.........etc ad nauseum.
They pull it out when they 'sense' that you are starting-----or already are way ahead on-------the path to serenity and Al-Anon detachment from their nonsense.......and they USE those sentences to get you back in so that you will at least be baffled and have hope that maybe this time, they really mean that they will do what it takes to start to be sober and decent to you.
It helps to keep a Hospital Chart!
What's that? At the foot of the hospital bed, the staff 'charts' what has happened so that they can get a clear picture of what is really going on.
Along the same lines, I often have my counseling clients 'keep a chart' of the alcoholic's chronic, recurrent behaviors//things they tell us.
(*******LIKE ANY 'JOURNAL', KEEP IT TOTALLY SAFE FROM PRYING EYES......AND NEVER DO THIS IF YOUR ALCOHOLIC IS VIOLENT AND CAN POSSIBLY FIND THIS.)
Now ------ here's how to do this------
Draw a big round "pie" on a big piece of paper.
Then------- divide it into 6 or 8 pieces.
Then-----write a sentence describing each piece of 'pie' on the inside of each piece of the pie............. i.e., "threatens me with another sexual partner" ...... "tells me how wonderful I am" ........ "says he cannot stand being without me".......... "goes out and doesn't come home for days....... "tells me to 'butt out' of asking where he's been all night"....... "flirts with my best friends"........ "tells me he wants to marry me"....... "tells me he doesn't know if I am "enough in his corner for him"" ......... etc etc
In other words, in each piece of the pie, write the various things that he says or does-------- to scare you.......to give you hope that he'll be nice....... to keep you involved///worried///guilty that you never do enough for him.
Then-------- every time he says one of those sentences or does one of those actions----------make a check-mark at the outside of that piece of the 'pie'.
At the end of a week or two or three-------- count the check-marks at the end of each piece of the pie.
Some of them will have more check marks on the outside of those pieces of pie than others.
Those are the behaviors//words that he uses the most, to hurt///worry///give you hope Doing this chart------- charting his process will definitely help you to become more detached.......... less 'hooked' when he uses those sentences or does those behaviors again.
You'll get to the point where you'll say to yourself when he uses them------"ok, that's another check-mark on THAT part of his junk!"
"September, 2007, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books
a. If you have not yet received your free "Getting Them Sober" video-package from our nonprofit Getting Them Sober foundation---------please just send me an email with your request ------- my email address is tdrews3879@aol.com ------- and it will be sent right out to you.
(1.) The free package includes a copy of the "Getting Them Sober, volume one" book.
(2.) Please feel free to make copies of the free video -------for colleagues, for therapists, for friends in recovery, clergy, libraries, etc.
(3.) And please let the recipients of the video-copies that you make --- know that they, too, can make copies of the video they received from you----- for others.
(4.) Also, if you belong to associations for helping professionals------ please ask that the associations' newsletters inform their members about our nonprofit's free package for all their members.......and that they, too, can make copies of our free video.
b. If you are a mental-health professional-------please also note that you can receive CEU's (continuing education units) through this www.GettingThemSober.com website. Just click-on the "C.E.U.'s" section of this website to see the 4 courses ------ all of them are nationally-accredited by both NAADAC (for alcoholism counselors) and the Professional Counselors Association --- plus other national and State accreditation boards.
*** All the sections of this website can be accessed by seeing the green sidebar down the left side of every page, and clicking-on the section you want to be transferred to.
"August, 2007, Recovery Tip of the Month"
Copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books
1. If you're told that you're paranoid and "see alcoholics everywhere"-------- well, here are some of the latest statistics out from the Federal Government that do show that alcoholism is indeed 'everywhere' ------
a.) 30 years ago, 10% of the population (in the U.S.) was alcoholic......it is now 17-18%
b.) in the 18-24 year-old's group of the population ---- it's 30-33%
****** If you are concerned about your own children's drinking------it is a good idea to read the chapter called, "Is it just a phase?" in the "Getting Your Children Sober" book. That chapter (and 32 other chapters) can be read online (free of charge) on the www.GettingThemSober.com website. Just click-on the section called "DOZENS of GTS...chapters" and scroll-down to that book and click-it on. The excerpted chapters will all be right there.
July, 2007, Recovery Tip of the Month
copyright by Toby Rice Drews, author,
the "Getting Them Sober" books
a.) A woman recently told me that when she's at work, and cannot pull out any of the "Getting Them Sober" books to read, she reads the section on the www.GettingThemSober.com website called "DOZENS of GTS excerpted book chapters". Then, when a co-worker/colleague comes near, she can click-off to another website. She can't read all the chapters in the books in the workplace, that she wants to--------but she finds these 33 chapters here online, to be able to keep her feeling more balanced at work.
She does this every day because she's going through really tough stuff, getting her ducks in a row for probable separation.....plus cancer recovery.
I would guess that one of the chapters that helps is the one titled, "I was able to leave even though he was sober and I was physically ill" (from the "Getting Them Sober, volume 4" book).
I think that many of us would have thought that becoming ill would have made a mind-set of feeling like, 'I can't leave now'. And for many of us, that's probably true. But for others, it is a catapult into getting really scared that if all that is left to take care of us (if further needed), is a drinking alcoholic ------- watch out.
Of course, some of us here have sober-in-A.A. partners who would take care of us. And -----some alcoholics are actually nicer if we get sick........ which brings up a whole yukky picture......like, is he HAPPIER if someone is sick?....... but probably it is more like----- he feels needed if someone is sick and he can take care of them (not just show off that he is doing so-------but really enjoys taking care of them).
That kind of alcoholic usually also has a lot of old caretaking adult children of alcoholics in him, as well as his own alcoholic issues............ but if it means that he is at least nice to his family members when they are ill-------then good!
SOOOO many issues involved in illness and alcoholism. (Am working on a CD album about all that).
"June, 2007, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews,
author, the "Getting Them Sober" books
Now, it is almost easy for us to assert ourselves when we are angry.
But for almost all of us, the anger dies down.
And that is when the irrational guilt kicks in.......often, without our even knowing it.
The cycle ---------
a. the alcoholic "does it again" (whatever "it" is)
b. The partner, of course, becomes angry
c. Time goes by
d. the anger dies down and that is when the fear of losing the alcoholic (or other fears and self-doubts about our anger response) set in
e. We "re-look" at our anger..... often telling ourselves (subconsciously) that "maybe we over-reacted" ----- THIS PIECE IS OFTEN DONE WITH OUR NOT BEING AWARE OF IT. IT'S A PIECE OF THE DENIAL SYNDROME.
IT OPENS THE DOOR TO MINIMIZING HOW BAD THE ALCOHOLIC BEHAVIOR REALLY IS.
g. When we minimize how bad the alcoholic's behavior was----- and we still feel badly------ we feel a need to find out why we still feel so badly (since we have told ourselves that he wasn't so bad------- SO WE SUB-CONSCIOUSLY BLAME OURSELVES, THEN.
WHICH LEADS TO IRRATIONAL GUILT FOR GETTING SO ANGRY IN THE FIRST PLACE.
h. We then try to 'make up for' what we think is our 'over-reactive anger' and 'win him back'........ by rescuing the alcoholic again.
i. He might be appreciative for the rescuing for a small amount of time.....but the alcoholic behavior sets in again.
j. We get angry again........ and the whole cycle keeps going around again.....and again.
Without our consciously being aware of it.
***** What can help?
a. Starting to recognize that cycle when we're in the midst of it, will help to give us an emotional distance from it all-----i.e., a "detachment"------ to begin to get off that merry-go-round.
b. When we can do it, it often helps to try to respond not with assertion, but with dignity.
Why is that? Why not 'assertion', but 'dignity'?
We families of alcoholics do NOT usually do well with the usual 'relationship' answers...... because the alcoholic--- and any relationship with him ----- is of necessity, bizarre.
The usual 'rules' to improve relationships just cannot apply.
Even if the alcoholic responds well to marriage counseling, since the disease of alcoholism is progressive------- the behaviors become progressively worse, too.
And all the best therapy and his good intentions go flying out the window.
And the family's anger//subconscious irrational-guilt syndrome gets worse.
***** And the "assertion" statements that we find ourselves making------begin to feel "aggressive"------ thus INCREASING our irrational guilt.
What can help to greatly lessen that irrational guilt-------is to begin to replace the "assertion" statements that we make------- with Dignity instead of Assertion.
Why 'dignity'?
Because it's difficult to get that irrational guilt going when we have thoughts (while the words come out of our mouths) that we are "a child of God" and have the God-given right to be treated decently.
When thinking those thoughts------ instead of just thinking, "I must assert myself"------- our heads raise up----- our shoulders square ----- and we feel much more sure of that we are on the decent and fair path.
That gets us to the same goal as we aimed for when we tried to say Assertive Statements ----- but it gets us there with SO much less irrational guilt!
And THAT moves us right along the path of recovery so much faster than when that huge boulder of irrational guilt had to be climbed over or gone around, before we could continue.
**** Important------- it's not that we do not have the 'right' to get angry------- and of course there are times that we of course WILL get very angry------ AND SHOULD DO SO!
------ but at other times, it will help greatly to 'make statements' with Dignity rather than with Assertion in mind.
In other words, those times to try to replace Assertion with Dignity--- might be times when we are telling the alcoholic what we intend to do in a particular situation. The times that we feel particularly scared//intimidated and want to 'make a statement' is often a good time to do this.
******* It is wonderfully surprising to find, that when one 'makes a statement' with Dignity------not only does it practically eliminate any irrational guilt----- but it also makes it easier to follow through and actually begin to take the next step that you were previously too scared to do.
And even if you take a small step-----and retreat from it later-------it will be easier to try it again.
There's a kind of 'spiritual permission' to carry-through on things when previously too scared to do so-------when we think in terms of Dignity.
For then, we don't seem like we are 'screaming' our rights out (which can scare even us when the anger dies down.....and can certainly bring on that irrational guilt) ------- when we instead, KNOW that we are doing the right thing, the right action, because it is what our God wants for us....for all His children..... a decent, self-respecful, sane life.
"May, 2007, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews,
author, the "Getting Them Sober" books
For instance------ (and I post this with permission) ------ a dear friend has an alcoholic husband who (among other things) does not let her into his life. He shuts her out of much of relationships he has with others. For instance, when they meet people in social situations, she is left standing there 'like a bump on a log' while he speaks with them, not introducing her even by first name. He has been this way for decades.
He now has cancer and a friend of hers who just finished chemo, visited them. This person understandably spent much time with him, telling him and reassuring him about what he will probably go through.
My friend was very hurt.........once again, she was shut out of the communications. Neither the friend nor the husband acknowledged her presence for hours.
Now, if 'an outsider' heard my friend, this outsider might assume that my friend was just being 'selfish'. "After all, he is facing tough chemo in a couple of days, and this friend just finished the treatment. Why can't you just let them talk and not be in on it?"
What the 'outsider' would not know, of course, is that this was another example of what has been done to my friend for dozens of years.
This on top of my friend literally putting much of her own life aside for him during these days of his illness.........and then once more, he zings her by reverting to his old "you do not exist" behavior.
b. One way to deal with this might be to tell others, when we see the judgmental 'look' on their faces, when they hear and see us getting hurt/angry by chronic 'stuff' happening once again------- tell them a condensed history of how this is a continuation of the old stuff.
But the problem there, too, might be that the outsider who sees and hears all this, might well be someone who has never experienced this kind of junk--------and simply because she can't relate to it at all, thinks that maybe we're 'over-reacting' or trying to justify selfishness by "placing the blame on that poor guy".
(A real no-win if this happens.)
c. Or---- the 'outsider' may well be someone who HAS experienced this in her family of origin or current family. After all, we often forget that around 50% of American families have at least one or two active alcoholics in them. It "isn't so rare' anymore............ more people do know the crazymaking and its disguises and implications.
d. We can 'stuff' it and not say anything.......... telling ourselves it is not appropriate to say something........ and maybe at the time, it would not be appropriate.
But for our own mental health, it would probably be really important to look deep within and see our own motives if we keep our mouths shut.
Are we afraid that people will 'join him' and think we are b**ches?
Are we afraid that we'll look even more vulnerable if we 'explain ourselves'?
All these, of course, are legitimate concerns........and no one can tell us, but ourselves, what our really deep internal motives are, for saying or not-saying something.
e. The rotten thing is, of course, that sometimes it will just work out that we will be in a no-win if we say something or don't say something.
But if we continue our journey to seek out our own deep motivations and try to be very honest with ourselves-- we will NOT lose.
For our journey with ourselves is miles more important than any incidents with the alcoholic.
"April, 2007, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews,
author, the "Getting Them Sober" books
At one end of the bell-curve, I write, 'the crux of the family disease of alcoholism is------- "the alcoholic and the family both believe that the family is to be blamed......and that his needs come first.'
And at the other end of the bell-curve, I write, "the crux of the healing for both of them, is ------ "the alcoholic consistently nurtures and looks to find ways to be giving to the family members---------and the family members enjoy it with no guilt".
B. And when I wrote that 'both the alcoholic and the family member both believe that ...... his needs come first' ------- this is often not overt.
Often, instead, the family member will say, "oh I don't believe that! I know better! I DO have the right to attend to my own needs, for goodness sake!".
But, when he acts out with fuss/anger when we attend to our needs ------- and if then, we have some measure of deep--down guilt ------- THAT is the key deep-down irrational guilt we must learn to pay attention to, so we can route it from our beings. For even if we get angry at his self-centeredness------it does NOT mean that we are free of its victimization.
We can be angry at it--------- but if it still produces some measure of guilt in us------- we must recognize it for what it is--------- an 'agreement' of sorts (with him) that he does have the right to selfishness and that our job is to make sure that our needs go onto the back burner.
As long as that irrational guilt is there-------as long as his selfishness produces SOME measure of irrational guilt in us -------- we need to look within and route it out......and not fall victim to being ashamed of it still having remnants of it hanging around even if we've been in family recovery for years.
For if we (out of shame) say to ourselves, "oh I'm past all that!" when we really aren't rid of the last shreds of that irrational guilt-------then we are always in danger of staying in that awful muck.
And make no mistake about it--------- that 'stuff' is the HEART of the disease in the family. It will raise its ugly head over and over--------when we're sure it's all gone.
OUR sticking-point is our perfectionism about our own recovery.
We often unconsciously think that we've got to 'present a great front' and say that we're totally rid of xxxx or yyyy stuff.
And often, some things ARE rid of! But others raise up at times--------and when we start to really internalize how terribly we've been hurt down deep to the bone-------and that that king of damage to us literally takes years and years to be vacuumed out (so to speak) --------then we can start to be gentle to ourselves and stop trashing ourselves emotionally for "still reacting" or "still getting sucked back in" to that awful alcoholism and its "needs".
We FIRST need to stop blaming the victim-------us--------and stop adding insult to ourselves on top of the injuries done to us.
"March, 2007, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews,
author, the "Getting Them Sober" books
Alcoholics Anonymous says, in its literature, quoting from Dr. Tiebout (an early friend of A.A....one who helped set the tone of guidelines for right action) ----that the alcoholic's main problem is his seflishness and self-centereness -------- and that if the alcoholic does not get rid of his selfishness and self-centeredness, he is in danger of drinking again.
Therefore---------- if the partner of the alcoholic takes care of himself/herself, and ethically tends to her/his own needs (and the needs of their children!)-------and if, then, the alcoholic rears up on his hind legs and screams or complains about that ------ it is just another 'acting out' of the selfishness and self-centeredness-------and therefore, the continuing of the self-care of the partner is not only crucial to the life of the partner---------but also crucial to the alcoholic's needs for ongoing sobriety------even if he does not know it at the time.
Remembering this will help so much to take away the irrational guilt of the partner of the alcoholic when he/she is tending to her/his own needs...instead of obeying the rants of the alcoholism.
"February, 2007, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews,
author, the "Getting Them Sober" books
This is such a knee-jerk action for us........ it is so chronic, so repetitive..... that we usually do it without even thinking about it.....
.......And when we stop it......or lessen it....... (usually because we're angry with them at the time)...... then when the anger dies down some, the irrational guilt sets in....... and we often then (unconsciously) scramble to make sure that they understand that "we're still there for them" (so they won't totally leave us).
When we begin to internalize that we have it upside-down....... that we need to see ourselves as people who have the right to be cherished in a relationship......and all that that means....... the irrational guilt doesn't set in anymore.
That's quite a long and profound journey, for most of us.
"January, 2007, Recovery Tip of the Month"
copyright by Toby Rice Drews,
author, the "Getting Them Sober" books
Guilt for when we speak out.
What are some of the (usually subconscious) aspects of this irrational guilt?
a.) Minimizing how very awful the behavior of the alcoholic really has been.
b.) Thinking that our response is 'terrible'.
c.) The two, above, combine to create the irrational guilt.
d.) 'Joining' the alcoholic/addict in his crazymaking.....i.e., telling ourselves that, yes, I "AM probably making a mountain out of a molehill about his behavior"..... or saying to ourselves, "I probably have an at-least 75% wrong 'take' on what he's done."
Families of alcoholics do not make mountains out of molehills.....we make molehills out of mountains.
e.) Telling ourselves that "our part in it" probably created half (or a substantially minor part) in the alcoholic's behavior.
WHAT IS OUR PART IN IT?
a.) "Our part in it" is not always------but often-----WANTING it to be 'partly our fault' so that the alcoholic can seem (to us) "not so bad as I thought"------- so that we can return to the relationship and have some hope that since "I had the wrong take on it in the first place"------that it won't happen again--------or if it might seem like it is happening again, I "can work on my part in it" and "not see it skewed like I always do, as I am told I do by the alcoholic".
After all, if it is largely a problem of my perception that his behavior is awful------I can certainly change my behavior! After all, I am used to twisting myself inside-out to believe him, to minimize his behaviors.......... this should be a piece of cake if I can really convince myself that it's my fault! (please read the sarcasm, here, folks)
b.) What REALLY happens to US------- when we twist ourselves inside out in order to get closer to internalizing that it's quite a bit our fault when they 'do it again'?
What happens is that ------
1. Our GUTS don't lie to us. Our 'innards' KNOW that this is total BALONEY. And the anger we felt does NOT 'go away'.
It turns into depression and/or resentment.
And, then, of course, if we want to continue on this course (in order to accomodate more and more to this crazymaking person so we can stay with them)........ we often try even HARDER to "look at our part in it".......and try to find CRUMBS of normal behavior and thinking that we have, and ENLARGE it------- so that we can say to ourselves, "aha! So THAT'S why the alcoholic did what he/she did! I DO 'overreact" as he says, for goodness sake! After all, he only has done this for nigh-on 12 years...... and last year, I did 'see' him with someone who he was not wanting to date 'on the side'......... so, you see, I DO overreact, don't I?! Yes, he has had several affairs......... and yes, he does flirt with others a lot of the time.......but darn it, there ARE times when he isn't doing it........ and I STILL think it of him! ISN'T THAT MY PART IN IT?"
You know, when we rescue a dog who had been abused........and we love him and wouldn't hurt him for the world....... often, for the first entire YEAR of his new life for us, he STILL tries to get under the sofa every time we have a scowl on our faces when we hear something we don't like (about something entirely different than anything to do with the dog).
OF COURSE he still flinches!
I like to call it the "flinch factor"........ it's the flinching of the abused for when we expect abuse that we've been used to getting.
When I rescued a dog, I was told by the vet that it would take an entire year OF TOTAL COMPLETE LOVING, CONTINUOUS NON-ABUSIVE BEHAVIOR TOWARD THAT DOG before that dog could BEGIN to learn to trust me.
To COMPLICATE all this--------- in alcoholism ------- when we THINK we are on the path of not getting any more abuse------and if it starts again------- WE not only question ourselves-------- the alcoholic often throws in the CRAZYMAKING of telling us that we are only still flinching and he has done nothing like we think.
Adding insult to injury........ with an unhealthy dollop of crazymaking on top of it.
Phone: 410-243-8352 • Fax: 410-243-8558 • e-mail: tdrews3879@aol.com