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RECOVERY
TIP OF THE MONTH
All the following 'Recovery Tips of the Month' are copyrighted by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books |
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"December,
2004, recovery tip of the month" copyright
by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books
So easy to forget that when working on one's "issues",
the goal is not to just 'feel more emotionally comfortable'.... it's
so I can be closer to maximum service to others.
"November,
2004, recovery tip of the month" copyright
by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books
The sooner that I can internalize that the end-results
are not what brings the most joy---that it is the journey that does
that--------the sooner, then, that I can settle down to really enjoying
life.
"October,
2004, recovery tip of the month" copyright
by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books
I say that I have the right to make mistakes. Do I really
believe it?
"September,
2004, recovery tip of the month" copyright
by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books
As Charlie Chan said, "Cannot read new book until pages
cut." Sitting and discussing how much good it does one to go to 12-Step-program
meetings, does not take the place of actually going.
"August,
2004, recovery tip of the month" copyright
by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books
Sometimes one hears from persons at family-recovery meetings
that they do not, and would not, leave an alcoholic spouse, ever.
But what I want to address here is how sometimes that is said as, "I'm
not a quitter!" Now, what is the implication of the word "quitter"?
It has quite a different connotation from when one uses the verb, "quit"...which
only means to leave something.
To quit driving a Ford... to quit walking on Main Street, and walk the
parallel roads, instead... to quit eating at restaurants on the other
side of town... to quit playing squash because one is more interested,
now, in golf.
There is not a 'condemnation kind of judgment feel' about "quit". But---
the word 'quitter' certainly feels like one does not want to hear others
say that of oneself. There is such condemnation in that word.
What would happen if one told a general in the army that "you are a
quitter if you ever re-trench your forces"?
He'd see you as someone who had no idea of military strategy---that
you do not understand that there is a time to go forward -- and a time
to go in another direction. Yes, "you're a quitter" sounds certainly
different from "you've chosen another direction to go in, for your life".
Why is there, so often, such judgment, even in recovery rooms? Bill
Wilson, co-founder of A.A., put it well---in his "As Bill Sees It" book,
he says that "people find it so hard to be eyeball-to-eyeball with others".
Yes....on the same level playing field.....not better than...not worse
than. Not implications of "I'm so much farther along in recovery than
you". Not "oh, you like that meeting? I USED to. I guess you need it,
but I think I am beyond that, now." or ----- "you obviously are more
xxx than I am" (with a "tone"). It's all in the connotation...it's all
in the tone... it's all in the implied tone, even if the words "are
right". All this one-ups-man-ship. It is all so much the opposite of
that wonderful slogan on the walls of the recovery rooms------ "live
and let live".
What your choices are for your life, may be very different from mine,
for my life. It only means we are different...... my choosing one path
does not invalidate yours...... and your choosing another path does
not invalidate mine............ love in recovery, Toby
July,
2004, "Recovery tip of the month" copyrighted
by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books
A "HOOKING" ISSUE ----- Sandy (not her real name) is in
family recovery for many years...she is divorced about 8 years. Her
emotionally-abusive/sober 'ex' and she have no reason that they have
to have contact---i.e., no children together.
But Sandy occasionally receives letters from him. They vary from crazymaking
in some ---- to "I still care about you" in others.
Each of the letters asks for a reply.
Each of the letters claims to either "not understand" what he has done...
or claims that "it was not intentional".
It has taken Sandy quite a while, but she has gotten to the point where
she knows, deep down, that she need not respond.
She used to feel that since he "didn't mean it", she needed to give
him another chance. Then, she progressed in her recovery to the point
where she not only did not need to do that----but she knew that his
kind of approach was, in and of itself, very crazymaking. And therefore,
she said to herself, when receiving one of those letters, "'No' is a
complete sentence---and I said it a long time ago."
"I need not repeat it."
She remembered Father Martin's admonition to families of alcoholics
who said they felt guilty every time they were angry---- he said, The
only 'sin' is in babying them... not in getting angry. Every time we
go from anger to guilt-for-the-anger, and on and on, we are beating
ourselves up, emotionally, for being angry when we not only have a perfect
right to the anger ---but if we asked persons who grew up without abuse
at all, if we were 'guilty' for being angry when we encountered emotional
abuse of any kind-----they would look at us like we are crazy!
They just do not understand this kind of thinking at all. They are powers
of example for us to keep in mind...... they help us to pull ourselves
out of the muck of irrational guilt into the world of sane reactions
to crazymaking.
June,
2004, Recovery Tip of the Month (copyright 2004)
by Toby Rice Drews, author, "Getting Them Sober"
There was a posting on the bulletin board on this website
today, that was one of the many replies about the postings on "alcoholism,
the disease." This person posted that since she learned about the genetics
of alcoholism, she realizes that alcoholics are, yes, predisposed to
getting it... but she said that they are still responsible because they
do not have to pick up a drink, to get that disease going in the first
place. I think that this subject is very important. And I think that
much of the "blame" lies with all current societies and their MIS-guided
'information' that they give out to the public about what exactly IS
alcoholism.
a.) Outside the U.S., in many countries, including many in Western Europe,
alcoholism is seen as a rather un-common occurrence... alcoholic drinking,
in their estimate, occurs only when drinking very very seriously interferes
with what you want to do in life...... i.e., they only recognize it
as such when it has reached the end stages of the disease....... in
Russia, it's an old joke that "vodka is the medium of exchange"......
alcoholic drinking is not only tolerated in Western Europe, that kind
of drinking is encouraged under the guise of "it's cultural to drink
like that"......and the problem has greatly escalated, largely because
of that.
In Africa, Asia, and Latin America, the problem has grown so much that
alcohol has replaced tobacco as the leading cause of death in those
countries, for the first time in history. Treatment in those countries
is almost unheard of.
In the U.S.-------
a.) The hue and cry is "control your drinking!"
There are now "intervention" programs out there, being touted as the
"new way to intervene with your spouse who has a drinking problem"...
These 'intervention' programs espouse a few things that certainly are
not new! They tell the spouse that she must learn to find ways to help
him relax so he will not want to drink when he gets home at night! (please
stop your laughter!) They tell the spouse that she must adjust her concept
of what is "sobriety" to INCLUDE the idea that total abstinence is ONLY
ONE way to be "sober"! And she must accept the idea that "only the drinker
has the right to choose whether or not he wants to learn to cut down
on his drinking ----or whether he wants to stop drinking! (oh myy, how
interesting!) AND--- these new "intervention" programs say they are
much more successful than the "Johnston Institute Model" (the most proven
model in the U.S., for decades).
Is it true? OF COURSE they are more successful than the Johnston Institute---because
the alcoholic who agrees to complete their program only has to show
that DURING THE TIME OF HIS ATTENDANCE THERE he has cut down on his
drinking to some degree (AND THAT AMOUNT IS TO BE DETERMINED BY HIM!
ANY AMOUNT IS "SUCCESS"!)
These "new programs" also say that they do not agree with "alcoholism
is a disease" (as opposed to the American Medical Association saying
that it is).
Why, I wonder, do these 'new programs' say this? Could it be because
if you know that it is a disease, you learn that one of the KEY medical
truism's of this disease is the fact that it is PROGRESSIVE? That means
that as long as you drink any amount at all, it keeps the disease progressing-------
and therefore, "controlled drinking" can, at best, be only a very temporary
measure.
No, these new program for 'intervention' are not new--- therapists who
do not understand alcoholism and its process, for decades, have tried
to teach alcoholics how to drink successfully; i.e., how to "control
their drinking". It just doesn't work.
In fact, it contributes to denial and the continuation of alcoholism.
I think it is usually a good idea --- if you are considering calling
a professional "intervention program" for your family member(s) ---
to ask them ahead of time, "is your policy modelled after the Johnston
Institute program where "sobriety" is defined as total abstinence? And
is that your goal, rather than "controlled drinking" or "cutting down
on drinking"?
b.) But society itself tells our future adults -- our teenagers -- that
they must learn, when they are old enough to drink, to "control that
drinking so that it does not become a problem". (How many times have
you, if you are a parent whose spouse is alcoholic, and you worry about
your children genetically, heard the kids say when they go out the door,
"don't worry mom, I'll watch it!" --when they are talking about their
drinking they plan to do).
They, and maybe you, too, and probably their doctors, too--- and most
folks, too--- think that if we are predisposed to alcoholism, all we
need to do is "watch it!"----and then somehow if we find we are drinking
too much, we'll know it and stop!
Well, it just does not happen that way.
Fact is, when there is a genetic predisposition to alcoholism, very
often, it creates a biochemical craving in young people that acts in
"cunning, baffling, and powerful" ways (as the A.A. Big Book says) and
tells kids AND their parents that "a little bit of drinking is ok".....and
pushes those kids to START drinking... with the ok of their parents.
For when those parents say to their kids, "don't drink at all because
of the medical facts", they seem like fanatics in today's world.
The kids probably won't listen. And the family doctor does not see it
as a sane solution either. (He might feel it is sane for that same family,
if all their male parents, back three generations, died from heart disease
in their early forties, for that mom to make sure they are all non-red-meat
eaters, though!) No, drinking alcohol is considered to be almost sacred.
What am I saying? It IS considered to be sacred! Many an alcoholic priest
got his "start" with this disease on the Communion wine!
No, I do not "blame" alcoholics for starting to drink...... too many
forces from his family to the church to the governments to these "new
intervention programs", on, say it is ok to drink even if all the men
in the family are dead from it......... Maybe with enough education
and time, we can begin to make a real dent in the mis-information and
teach people how this disease really works, so that our doctors, our
leaders, our families, our friends, encourage children to not drink
for genetic reasons, when it runs in their families....... Remember
what Dr. Bob told Bill Wilson, just before Dr. Bob died (they were the
co-founders of A.A.)--- Dr. Bob said to Bill, "Bill, don't mess it up!
Don't preach to them... just give them the medical facts!".......love
to all in real recovery from this crazy disease, Toby
May,
2004, Recovery tip of the month, copyrighted 2004
by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books
When your alcoholic partner is
(1.) ..........."acting nice"--- and you start to tell yourself "all
is good"--- tell yourself instead, that you will enjoy the moment, but
that you will become more balanced in your perception of what is. This
will help prevent your feeling totally devastated when the zinger comes.
(2.) ............arrogant--- and acts like he doesn't want you around---
Remember what happened the last time he was like this. He probably panicked
after awhile, then "needed and wanted" your relationship again. Remembering
this pattern will help the next time when he's into arrogance again.
April, 2004, Recovery tip of the month (copyrighted 2004 by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books)
We can so easily (unconsciously) turn our 'issues' into virtues. When we are told, "what a good woman you are!" --- it calms us down.. it makes us feel he'll never leave. We feel safe. And then the depression sets in when we realize the price to hear that "reassurance". I think that sentence, "what a good woman you are"--- used in the context of alcoholism and the family, is one of the most destructive sentences in the English language.
March,
2004, recovery tip of the month (copyrighted 2004)
from Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books
This 'self-acceptance' is so very critical.... it helps me to stop comparing myself to others... helps me to stop being driven---stop pushing myself to do do do what I think I should do do do "to be at the xxx place in life that I (way down deep) think makes me worthwhile"....all to make up for the toxic shame I grew up with.... all to make up for "what somebody else had ---and I did not tell myself, or even know, that I was jealous of".
We might have SAID "we're children of God"... but way deep down, if we had believed it, there would have been no "one ups man ship" as a way of life.
And it didn't matter what our income was... we mostly all felt that way... as they say about alcoholics, "from Park Avenue to park bench"...it's that way about toxic shame, too.
February,
2004, recovery tip of the month (copyrighted 2004)
from Toby Rice Drews, author, the Getting Them Sober books
I love what Deepak Chopra says about "intention"..basically, that what we put our attention to, directs our energy towards "getting there"... it so reminds me of what a good friend says... she is the co-founder of Al-Anon in Baltimore...and loves to say, "you don't have to WORK the program ... you just have to let it wash on over you."... Now, she does not speak of the Ayurvedic tradition.. and Deepak is not a devout Catholic... but I love it when there is clearly an intersection between religions.... for me, it's emotional and spiritual safety.
by Toby Rice Drews, author, the "Getting Them Sober" books
The following is an excerpt from the "Getting Them Sober, volume 3" book (the second half of the book details the 350 secondary diseases to alcoholism). In this interview, I'm asking Dr. Milam to talk about why still-drinking alcoholics cannot stay even-relatively physically well by taking supplements, not smoking, exercising and meditating daily.
Here's James Milam, bestselling author of the classic "Under the Influence" book--
"Most diseases have borderline stages as well as full-blown manifestations. Alcoholism very often is the one factor that pushes a "tendency" to have the disease over the edge into a full-blown manifestation......Epilepsy is one example. Many people are borderline epileptics. Normally, they never manifest the disease. But during even MILD alcoholic withdrawal, a borderline patient may go over the edge. Many patients on Dylantin in active alcoholism never need it after sobriety.
"Virtually all diseases have borderline degrees, except when alcoholism pushes them over.
"I am asked, "What if I take vitamins? Can I stop or ward off the effects of alcoholism?"
"The effects of alcoholic drinking are so powerful -- one is in such a chronic toxic state -- it cancels benefits of proper vitamins, jogging, and nutrition. A very watchful-of-his-diet alcoholic just slightly slows the deterioration.
"It's not what gets into your gut that counts; it's what gets into your bloodstream. Your liver, etc., is constantly fighting to survive the chronic toxic attacks. Also, the cells cannot properly process their own waste materials, and they, therefore, are awash in their own toxins. Nutritional supplements have a VERY slight effect on this.
"Early researchers studied skid-row alcoholics and found malnutrition. They thought it was due to their poor diets. But as private patients became available for study, they found the same results.
"Alcoholism SERIOUSLY interferes with EVERY stage of absorption, conversation, and utilization of nutritional materials.
"So, the entire body is really toxic AND malnourished -- therefore, it is less able to ward off these diseases. The liver swells, to try to contain the toxins, so that they don't spread to the rest of the body. The liver is the major organ that has the job of controlling and converting toxins to waste materials. A liver that is THAT polluted doesn't have the capacity to do much else, i.e., its normal work, in getting rid of toxins, in warding off diseases."
Phone: 410-243-8352 • Fax: 410-243-8558 • e-mail: tdrews3879@aol.com