December, 2000, Recovery Tip of the Month

I was driving in the car and listening to a National Public Radio show about grieving. They were discussing seeing the anguish of the family of an alzheimer patient -- and the dragged-on loss that goes on and on. And the tone of the show was compassion for the family, compassion for the dying person. And I thought of, how daily, millions of grieving family members see the alcoholic slowly dying in front of their eyes. And how that grief of those families is not publicly supported. There is a silence. And I cried when I remembered my father. I was 12 years old when he died of alcoholism. I still miss him. But I also remember the alcoholics in my life whom I wished would go sooner. And I remember the mixed feelings..... the anger.... the guilt about the anger..... the shock on other people's faces when I would talk about the anger (especially those who did not know about the abuse)..... the shame when I'd see the shock...... the silence I retreated into.

And the immense relief, in recovery, when learning that all these feelings are normal, are to be expected, when living with, when remembering, when you have alcoholics in your life. And the vast palette of feelings of different people in recovery..... those who will never stop grieving for their children...... those who have such mixed feelings about caring for elderly parents who were once abusive to them when they were little children..... those who won't care for those same elderly parents who were once abusive to them when they were little...... those of us who cannot, yet, feel the feelings; cannot feel the anger that must be there, because we were so violated as little children....... those of us who cannot get beyond the anger of what is truly in the past, because there is so much to get beyond, so much abuse that left so many scars.......
The patience that we all learn in recovery, over time..... the learning that we reach when we finally realize that there is no one "there" in recovery....... that there isn't a one place that we all get to....... and that we cannot, for our own peace, compare our recovery to someone else's.......... that it is so much easier to feel good when all is going well....... that if I had to walk through someone else's history, I may not have survived...... so how dare I assume that "they should be farther along in recovery considering how long they've been coming to meetings." I needed to write this to further my own healing, to further my own compassion that will always need furthering because I am just a human being. thank you all for being there, Toby

November, 2000, recovery tip of the month

There are many ways that people can do interventions (in addition to the classic-intervention-model where one uses a professional intervention specialist.) Here are three of them:

a.) I was personally involved in this one about 25 years ago: a friend of mine was arrested for something minor (he was drunk and cursed at a policeman he knew, and I think it was out of caring for my friend that the policeman took him in to detox him.) Right before his appearance before a judge, I called another friend who was a judge (actually it was Judge Watts who wrote the forward to "Getting Them Sober, Vol. One"), and asked him if there was a way to get the judge to "sentence" him to treatment instead of jail. He told me what would happen and what to do: he said that in the courtroom, when my friend's case came up, I should ask the judge if I could come forward and talk to him (to the judge). I did that. The judge said to me (as my friend said he would!) -- "I guess you're going to ask me to let this guy off." And I said, "No, your Honor, I am asking that since he is obviously an alcoholic -- and jail, once more, would do no good (it was always a minor, nonviolent offense on my friend's part) -- could you please sentence him to treatment for a substantial amount of time, so it "would take"?" Well, he did just that.... he "sentenced" him to live in a halfway house (one that was very good) for almost a year -- and to go to A.A. meetings with the group when they all went together, every night.

b.) If you work in a setting where there is no Employee Assistance Program, and if you are not sure what it does, this is what an EAP does: An EAP is set up either in-house or through an outside company that contractually works with your company. Troubled employees are referred to them (they train supervisors to do this referring correctly and legally)----- and the troubled empoyee is evaluated for alcoholism/ other-drug problems/ mental illness/ family disturbances that affect their job performance/ etc etc. They evaluate and then refer to appropriate treatment. If you are in a position of authority in your job (in which you could implement or be effective in getting the ball rolling to set up an EAP at your worksite) -- instead of perhaps unknowingly choosing an EAP company that would not know what to do about alcoholism (and there are many EAP companies that know diddlysquat about alcoholism)...... what can be done, instead -- is to call your State's chapter of the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence for the name of a good EAP in your area. If you cannot find that phone number in your area, call tollfree 1-800-NCACALL (which is the national office of NCADD) and they will give you your State chapter's phone number. When you call the State chapter, they can most likely give you a referral of a local EAP company that is topnotch around identifying and referring alcoholics and other-drug addicts to treatment. (Almost all EAP's are good at referring non-alcoholics and non-other-drug-addicts to proper treatment..... where the problem is, is finding an EAP that can do it all, including understanding how to evaluate substance abuse as well as mental illness and family issues). And I believe that the NCA is one of the best resources for finding those EAP's. This can often solve those troublesome "people" problems at the workplace by going to the root of the problem -- as well as, of course, saving lives.

c.) This is a third intervention method: If a spouse is arrested for drunk driving, sometimes one can talk to the lawyer and/or spouse ahead of time, about the wisdom of that person not only going to A.A. before the trial (lawyers often tell their clients to do that, "to look good" to the judge) ---- but also for the lawyer to ask the judge to "sentence" that person to A.A. for at least a year or two, at least 7 times a week, to ensure, as much as possible, that that person would be getting good help to hopefully, permanently stop this drunk driving. At the same time, the lawyer could ask that the judge do whatever else is needed (like suspending the license; making the person go to counseling; community service; etc.).... but definitely asking for A.A. required attendance instead of jail, because it is very effective. In many cases, the judge will go along with this ESPECIALLY when the lawyer asks that the person be "sentenced" to lots of A.A. meetings, because the judge himself or herself often sees this as a "punishment" equal to jail, even when they know it helps.... they just don't usually understand that very long, very frequent required attendance at A.A. is what is most often needed to crack through denial around addiction.

I know of people who did this intervention successfully with an alcoholic spouse who would not previously listen to anything before about treatment, but was now facing jail, and would do anything to avoid that.

IN ALL THE ABOVE CASES, THERE WAS SOME EMOTIONAL RISK INVOLVED.... AT THE LEAST, DO NOT EXPECT TO BE LIKED (AT LEAST FOR A WHILE) BY THE PERSON THAT YOU ARE DOING AN INTERVENTION FOR. ADDITIONALLY, IN SOME SITUATIONS, THERE COULD BE VIOLENCE INVOLVED AS A CONSEQUENCE OF INTERVENING BEHAVIORS. OR THERE COULD BE RISK OF JOB LOSS (IF YOUR BOSS IS THE ALCOHOLIC AND HE OR SHE KNOWS YOU WANT THE EAP TO GET THEM INTO TREATMENT).

I CANNOT STRESS ENOUGH THAT WHATEVER YOU DO, YOU MUST PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN, PHYSICALLY, AND IN ALL WAYS. THERE ARE CONSEQUENCES TO BEHAVIOR, SO IT IS ALWAYS WISE TO "THINK THINGS THROUGH" BEFORE TAKING ANY PARTICULAR ACTION. PEOPLE CAN OFTEN COME UP WITH CREATIVE ALTERNATIVES THAT ARE SELF-PROTECTIVE AND PROTECTIVE OF CHILDREN, AND YET EFFECTIVE. MAYBE TALK IT OVER WITH A COUNSELOR OR OTHERS WHO WILL RESPECT YOUR PRIVACY AND WHOSE INPUT YOU VALUE, AHEAD OF TIME.

October, 2000, Recovery Tip of the Month

Acceptance, to me, isn't saying to myself, "well, it is lousy, but I must accept it." That rather sounds like "acceptance" equals "resignation". Instead, acceptance might be seen as a beginning .... accepting that the facts are the facts. Then, I can ask myself, "Since I must accept reality -- i.e., that I cannot change those facts ...... where do I go from here? What can I do now with my life -- not with his life, or her life -- but with my life -- just for today?" I also think that it is imperative that I know, way deep inside, that there are a lot of options in the universe. (One of the main reasons situational depression occurs is when these options are not fully explored, then we mistakenly see life as having no do-able options.) And I need to remember that I cannot -- sitting all alone with my thoughts -- fully explore all my options. (I would just ruminate, that way, after a while. Like gnawing repeatedly on the same bone, trying to get new marrow out of it.) This is a "we" world, not a "me" world, to see all my options ..... perhaps with a sponsor?... a counselor? ... asking lots of people after meetings, "Have you ever been through this?" When I start to think that I am between a rock and a hard place, and that there is no answer except for a no-win --- that's when I especially need to talk it over with others who can give me a fresh, do-able perspective. Or maybe two or three or more do-able options! And -- "we" may not be able to come up with new ideas on the spot -- but just talking about it, not bottling it up, keeps me open, so that the universe can tell me what can be done ----- when the timing is just right.

September, 2000 "tip of the month"

It is so easy to slide into believing that the alcoholic drinks "because of a problem". And that if the alcoholic just "gets to the root of the problem", then the drinking/drugging problem will just "wither away" by itself. That was the thinking of almost the entire mental-health profession about 25 years ago -- before the days of James Milam (author of "Under the Influence"), who, along with other pioneers in the field of addictions, toured the country on a regular basis, lecturing and training mental-health practitioners, judges, pastoral counselors, nurses, criminal-justice personnel, and others, to help them understand that alcoholism is a primary disease. What does that mean? It means that nothing can get you drunk. It means that no matter what else is going on in your life; no matter what your childhood was like; it means that no matter what your job is like, your spouse and/or kids are like; that none of those things get you drunk. Yes, they cause stress! Life causes stress! And if everyone who had stress drank alcoholically, everyone would be an alcoholic.

But the stressors of life are not what makes one an alcoholic. You "get" alcoholism because you are genetically predisposed to it. (You have to go back about six or eight generations to see the proclivity to alcoholism in one's family; just because your parents did not have it, doesn't mean it is not in your family. And back then, no one said people were alcoholic unless they were falling down in the gutter. And they certainly did not say that women or the clergy or any "good people" were alcoholic). But, getting back to the mythology of "stress causing alcoholism": Yes, stress can make you want to drink. Yes, having violent parents and being thrown out on the street at age 17 can make you want stress-relief and want to drink. But if you don't have the brain receptors, etc., to be alcoholic or addicted, it'll be a "passing phase". (It's like the veterans after Vietnam: many, many of them tried heroin in Vietnam; but only 1/3 of those who took it in Vietman, continued to take it, after they came home. Why? Because if you don't have the physical set-up to become an alcoholic or other-drug addict, you won't. Look at all the spouses in Al-Anon who are not alcoholics who sat on barstools to try to drink alongside their alcoholic spouses, to be there, to have their spouses at least physically with them -- and who could not keep up the drinking, even when they tried to.) And, if a catastrophe in life happens to a non-addict/non-alcoholic-- and if they drink, or do any other temporary thing to relieve stress-- if they are not addicted, they will probably, after awhile, not continue that drinking, but get down to dealing with life on life's terms.

The difference with alcoholics is that if they start to drink at all, even for a "legitimate stress reason", then the craving and the obsession make them continue the process of the disease of alcoholism. And once that disease process in in effect, that disease does not need any "reason" to drink: In other words, alcoholics drink because the Yankees won/ alcoholics drink because the Yankees lost/ and alcoholics drink because the Yankees didn't play.

It often LOOKS like the alcoholic drinks because he lost his job-- or because he hates the weather. But when that same alcoholic gets a job... a better-paying job -- and/or moves to where the weather is great....... the probability is that alcoholic will still continue drinking or start drinking again, and the disease will still progress and the drinking will get worse. "Stuff" happens. "Stuff" does not cause alcoholism. When alcoholics get sober and go to A.A. on a regular basis, they learn to replace that knee-jerk reaction of picking up a drink or a chemical for stress-relief -- and replacing it with "taking it to a meeting" and talking about it. And by the Grace of God, it relieves it. A way is found to deal with it.

One more thing: when an alcoholic has, alongside the alcoholism, a psychiatric illness (like clinical depression), they may initially only drink to relieve the clinical depression -- and they may receive temporary relief from it because they drank. But, and this is a big "but" -- when they drink even for that reason -- it gets and keeps the disease-of-alcoholism process going. And even if that particular cycle of clinical depression "lets up" for awhile because of the temporary relief of the alcohol -- the alcoholic drinking usually continues, because the alcoholism has its own dynamic and is itself progressive, and it gets to exists alongside, in addition to, the psychiatric illness. And if the alcoholism is not treated for itself and the drinking does not stop (even if the psychiatric illness is treated with medication and therapy) then two things usually happen: a.) intaking alcohol when the medicine is in the body usually makes the medicine less effective; and b.) the alcoholism follows a progressive course and continues to eventually make that person's life worse on just about every level, if not all levels, of one's life. And it usually continues to make that psychiatric illness worse, too. If a person with both psychiatric illness and alcoholism wants to get better, they usually have to get help for both problems-- and that help is often found in an alcoholism treatment center (one that is A.A.-oriented) that is good at diagnosing and treating persons with both addiction and psychiatric illness. And after initial treatment is completed, ongoing counseling --as well as A.A., of course--is usually the prescribed course of treatment.

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